Last Night in Hometown

I go home on Friday, and I am so ready. I’ve seen most of my friends. Except that one shitty ex, and the sick ex. But that’s fine. I’ll be back, not gonna try and see the shitty ex again though. I’m SO OVER HER.

I got a book on C# programming today, which is so nerdy but also something I need to learn for work.

I answered a few work emails but the Internet was down part of the day, and then also I was out and about visiting Ricky for the last time and having dinner with my Mom. Ricky and I might go to Cuba next. It’d be nice, and cheap. And sunny.

I know I shouldn’t stress myself out with work while I am out of town, but I’m stressed. The producers for my doc said I need to have an 800 word Director’s Statement for them by Monday. And I had to look over and approve a layout for an important catalogue I am in. And I needed to tell people if I could do a workshop and I am gonna be there anyway so yeah I guess I will try and get more money to do something. I’m realizing I need to start asking for more money for this stuff. AND I need to have enough of a project idea to pitch when I land on Friday afternoon back in Toronto, and my idea so far is very vague. AND I have to write a good email asking a partner organization if they can give us some money. And yeah it’s just like fuck I don’t have a 9-5 job but people are still counting on me and I have a very people pleaser personality. And I try not to flake on stuff. But also I am out of town right now and don’t have the same capacity that I do when I am sitting at home with my pups and access to everything.

I had to sign a contract today and they needed my HST number and I didn’t think I had it but then I remembered you can search documents. So I did a search and my diary from last year popped up. And then you can do a search INSIDE of a document so I searched and it was basically like “grumble grumble Jessie OH I GOT MY HST NUMBER HERE IT IS! grumble grumble Jessie isn’t texting back again.” UGH. I’m so glad that diary is over.

+++++ The Next Day+++++

OKAY so I went to bed without posting. Anyway, the day is half over now, I leave tomorrow morning. I spent my last day seeing a mutual friend of my Mom and I’s, she was nice to chat with. She was gonna try and introduce me to someone famous I have fangirled over for years. I dunno, it’s so ridiculous, I’ll try to tell my friends or my cousins about film people and I’ll be like “OMG so and so might see my work!” and they would be like “Who?” And I’d be like “they produced all these films” and list off art house films and then they’re like whatever good for you. AND THIS IS WHERE I MISS JESSIE! Because if I said that to Jessie she would probably be excited because she would know who that was or at least what those films were. And yeah I have a handful of other friends who might understand. It’s just frustrating to feel misunderstood by most people. Like I have told my big news to a few people in private and some of them got all excited but my close friends who are regular people are like “Okay whatever you seem excited good for you.” And it’s like NOOOOOOOO WHY DON’T YOU GET IT!? I dunno, I guess it doesn’t matter. It’s just hard to be achieving success and realizing that people close to me don’t really get the whole picture. It makes me feel unseen. On the other hand maybe it keeps me grounded, to still be close to people outside of my field, to not get wrapped up in the stars all the time and just still do regular things and talk about regular stuff.

Anyway after that Mom and I went for dim sum. Then we went to visit my cousin in the psych ward. He’s been going in and out of there for years but now it looks like he might need long term institutionalization. Which I know he would hate and I know they haven’t told him. I saw him when I first got here and he was a mess. But he’s on new meds now, and his focus is way better. He was able to make some jokes. He told us “Oh my! I had a cigarette the other day and it was like, one for the money, two for the show, three to WOOOOOO!” ha ha so I have no idea what he was talking about, if he had a good nic hit or if someone gave him a joint. Either way he was happy about it. They have a locked up set of safes where you can charge your phone in, which is so smart. Like you plug it in and close the door and then come back later with your combination to get your phone. I’m sure the nurses are relieved to not have to babysit phones anymore. Someone who was manic and angry was at the nurses station demanding to know why he couldn’t leave. He said something about how he was stuck because he was only 20 minutes late coming back from a pass. And that he’d been released when he was manic before and why not now and he had somewhere to live he didn’t need to stay here and he hated it here.

I was in a psych ward that used to be adjacent to this new one. It was a long time ago and I’m glad I haven’t had to be there since. I felt sort of comfortable walking into that institutional setting for a moment and then remembered as my cousin and this man got pissed about being there that it gets so goddamn boring and not being able to set your schedule or do what you want is so unpleasant.

After that we dropped by the bookstore my other cousin works at to see if he was there, and he was, but he was grumpy and my Mom started lecturing him because she’s really his second Mom and he’s also got a difficult life so she does Mom things. Anyway I invited him to dinner with us but I think he was gonna go drinking instead cause he wasn’t interested.

ANYWAY then I came home, I mean to Mom’s house.

I did a prepack of my suitcase to see if I could fit everything in there, and it does fit! I’m worried it’s gonna crush my ukulele but we’ll see.

I’m going home tomorrow and then when I land I have to drop off pups and then hop on a streetcar and go to work. 2 days of work! But it’s for a larger project. I sent another work email today asking for money. And then what else did I do? Oh man. I have been trying to keep on top of emails. It’s tricky because I am away.

There’s a screening on Saturday night and I sort of wonder if Jessie will come, but also I think maybe she’ll just avoid me. I don’t know I have mixed feelings about her. On one hand I miss her and love her and on the other hand I know she didn’t treat me very well even as a friend. It’s hard to reconcile the two. Life and love are so complicated. I don’t have any expectations that she’ll ever be a close friend again.

She doesn’t know my big news yet. I want to tell her but she doesn’t want private messages. So the only chance I have to tell her before it comes out publicly is if she comes to this screening on Saturday. I guess life will unfold as it does. That’s all you can count on anyway.