Last hour in the hotel

I haven’t packed yet, but I have so little to throw in my bag. Just clothes. And toiletries. And this laptop in my carryon.

I had an alright day yesterday although I basically did like, four events. An artist talk. A workshop. A performance. A screening. I made about $1480.00 which is decent I guess but wow so much work. I kept myself fed though, and didn’t get overly tired.

I was creeping on Kate’s photos and found these pics of her from like five years ago at a butch femme event wearing vampire fangs, unnaturally blue contacts, and a skin tight black latex shirt. And it just kind of … omg.

I think before I knew I was kinky I had this like vampire fetish. Like I was a teenager and watched Dracula constantly and when I came out I found out the first vampire story was actually a lesbian vampire story so I went and looked it up and read it and I dunno fuck, I was like obsessed with vampires. My first crush sort of reminded me of a vampire, and my first lover did too actually. And my first girlfriend. I didn’t realize I was attracted to like the sexual dominance of vampires, like there was way more going on than just liking people with pointy teeth. But yeah those formative years of lusting after vampire women was like, intense. And then finally obviously one day I clued in that I was kinky, when I was 18 I think I clued in. Ha ha omg it was so long ago, I wasn’t even having internet access at home yet and I subscribed to this local queer women’s BDSM mag but I don’t think they ever sent me more than the first issue.

Anyway I always wanted to someday find someone who could roleplay with me about that or something.

So obviously seeing a pic of Kate with these sexy fangs in this sexy black latex shirt just makes me so hot for her. And it kind of makes me feel bad too because I know there’s kind of this myth being built up of who she is and I actually won’t know until I see her again, if I see her again. It was like this with Jessie too, my sexual imagination was going a mile a minute and I was trying to remember I didn’t ACTUALLY know her yet, and then finally we got to see each other and she was different than I imagined but I still really liked who I discovered her to be anyway.

I’m half worried I’ve scared her off by letting her see my messy social media stuff. And then the other half of me just knows like I can’t change who I am to fit someone I don’t even know yet. Maybe I am what she is looking for, and maybe not. Maybe she’s not what I’m looking for even tho she seems to incredibly turn me on. And even though I think she’s totally adorable when she’s being excitable and cute. I don’t know her. She does look good in Vampire fangs tho.

Anyway, I did just pack in between some paragraphs here. I just need to put on boots and outdoor clothes and I can check out of this hotel. It was a nice hotel as far as hotels go. Old. Maybe not a premium nice hotel tho. But the bed was comfortable.

And work is done. And tomorrow I have a meeting at this government org that is commissioning me to make a film. And the day after I fly to Texas. AD will be there, and we are going to try and see each other.

Last night I read old notes I had written on FB from like, 2013 and 2011. I was so messy. Getting sober. Saying problematic things. Ugh. I know that’s just the way people grow and I shouldn’t be hard on my old self. But still I’m like wow I hope people don’t think I am still like that. Sometimes I think social media is a curse. Ha ha and yet here I come to this website and pour out my unfiltered thoughts about life. Like no one is going to find me here.