Intimidating

It’s later in the afternoon, I gotta leave in a bit to meet up with Billie for this film she has tickets to.

I did some work and answered some emails. I posted a call out for applicants for this workshop series we do. I agreed to meet with some artists to talk about this sensitive political position we are in. I agreed to make a minute long video about how my career has gone since I won an award a while back. Wow that was almost two years ago. Fuck, just before the whole Jessie thing happened. I had a good time with that award money, bought a top of the line Macbook and went on a really nice vacation. Life was good. I mean, life is still good, but it was fortunate for me.

I have to do my taxes. I’m not under the same pressure my co-op puts me under like usual, because they surprisingly haven’t demanded to see our taxes yet to calculate subsidies for next year.

I went and got a haircut, and look good, and I’m glad. My usual hairdresser wasn’t there, but she cut my hair so short last time, and the one today did a good job and I like it. I was feeling so shaggy and unkempt, and my hair is short but it was so long I was getting those weird stray hairs around my ears that look ridiculous.

I went and got breakfast from the local diner, haven’t been there in ages and it was nice to go.

I dunno. Kate was online and for sure saw my last message, and still didn’t reply. And I’m just like FUCK OKAY THEN I will give up. I don’t need to chase people anymore, it’s depressing. And they never want to get caught anyway. Like what is the point? Also the other woman who sought me out for a date has ghosted me, after asking me out and me responding favourably, it’s weird. Like did I sound easy or something? I don’t know. I don’t know if she or Kate just want to play games with me or what. It kind of makes me cry if I think too hard about it.

I’ve kind of had this niche fame for a while, and now it’s getting a bit higher profile, and I know people think people would be dying to date someone kinda famous or like talented or whatever. OH GOD I sound so narcissistic. BUT NO it’s like actually the more you are in the public eye, the less people want to be involved with you. I think I’m kind of intimidating, and I hate thinking that. But also I don’t want to shrink myself or make myself lesser just to satisfy someone’s insecurities. And it’s like yeah, I spent over 20 years working really hard on my career. I am where I should be considering all the work I put in. And it’s still not super fame, like people outside the art scene wouldn’t know who I was. BUT EVEN SO it’s like women find out who I am or something and get intimidated and just fucking bail and ghost me.

I talked to AD about it last night, being bummed out by being ghosted by these potential dates. And she was confused too, but also wondered if they were being weird about talent and success. Like I don’t think I say anything really weird in my messages to these women. I didn’t like, tell them all the kinky things I do. I didn’t go all like how much I want to love someone. I’m just friendly and wanting to spend time with them and it makes them freak out and run away, EVEN IF THEY ASKED ME FIRST! Ugh.

ANYWAY bah! I don’t want to get mired in this, I need to get ready to go meet Billie for a movie.