Inconclusive

My boy dog’s issues are still inconclusive, more tests that all revealed he is mostly fine. He has some elevated cortisol but that could also be explained by him being stressed at the vet. Anyway next we see the dog eye doctor.

I was writing a lot in my personal diary trying to work through Jessie stuff on my own. I had responded to one of her fb posts, and she responded to me, and it seemed okay, it wasn’t any high stakes stuff just a comment. But I’m not going to keep trying to interact with her, and she had said that was okay once in a while. Ugh.

I felt like I was going around and around in circles trying to come to terms with what happened between us. And it wasn’t getting me anywhere really, I did work through some stuff though. Like I wrote a letter to her I am never gonna send confronting her and I cried a lot when I wrote it. But it’s not going to her, it wouldn’t solve anything. And essentially she doesn’t WANT to resolve anything between us. She doesn’t want to put in the work to get back to being friends. Like she really has discarded me and the sooner I move on the better.

Part of me really wanted to KNOW that she loved me. And now I’m thinking no she didn’t love me. If she had loved me things would have turned out a lot differently. And I am a catch for a lot of reasons, but I dunno those didn’t mean anything to her. It’s funny because there is a part of me that is like, shocked she didn’t love me at all. I guess it’s good I have that kind of self esteem that I can see my worth. And it’s funny too because way way back when I told her my feelings and she waited a week to reject me, I was like is this a good thing? Like did she want to say yes?

And now I am realizing I deserve someone who would say yes to me in a heartbeat. Not someone who is gonna make me wait a week for their answer. And I deserve someone a lot more honest and giving. And she made so many excuses to not spend time alone with me, that in itself is so bad. And she wasn’t even an honest enough person to tell me she wasn’t ready to see me, she had to say things like she was so busy or she was sick or blah blah blah all the excuses she pulled out. Like that in itself is a bad sign for a future relationship, even if she HAD loved me. Because she couldn’t be straight up honest with me.

I feel like I am finally unraveling all the things I told myself about her to make it better, and now it’s just staring me stark in the face that she WASN’T a good person and she DIDN’T treat me good. She had some really sweet qualities. But it was a rotten deal. And I wish I had been able to move on faster. I got just enough crumbs that I kept seeking more. And I deserve more than crumbs. And even though there are things about her I really loved, I deserved better than her.

It’s funny because I’ve been trying to keep a space in my life for someone new to come into it. And I keep thinking about what my psychic said a while back, that this would be the time frame I would meet the person I will be with for the rest of my life. Anyway, I thought I would do some kind of welcoming ritual this full moon. And I haven’t done any woo woo stuff yet, but I did read this ritual that was about like, having a welcoming bedroom. And they talked about feng shui and stuff. But I realized my bedroom was a mess, it looked like a storage locker with a bed in it really. So I cleaned it, I got rid of things, put things away, did all this work. And now there is space again. It’s not perfect but it’s miles better.

And then I’ve been doing the same for my living room. I’m clearing things up, tossing out trash and recycling. I went through my bookcase and cleaned it up. Cleaned a couple dreadful corners by my couch. It’s getting better in here, healthier. And like actually someplace I could invite someone in to. I often lowkey had some shame about how messy my place was. And now I’m thinking maybe I could be proud of it.

Anyway I did all that work yesterday, then went to see my friend L. for dinner then we went to see her partner Laura perform. And we went to this place, I had been there a long time ago with another friend. But the woman whose space it was, like it’s a living space and a performance space. Anyway, this woman had facebook friended me recently. And she was really friendly and like talking to me and stuff. But she also was so familiar with me and sort of bold, and she kept like casually putting an arm around my waist, or touching my lower back. And she did it a lot. And I don’t know that might just be the kind of person she is with everyone. But it felt nice. It’s funny because it’s like a totally different era now and it’s like everything is about Consent and Ask First and Don’t Touch but it has been so long since I’ve been casually touched and I really am touch starved and it just felt GOOD to have her do that. Even if nothing happens between us, I mean probably nothing will. But I realized sort of that Jessie never touched me in that kind of casual way, and she hugged me and would be close to me in that way but like she wouldn’t dream of putting an arm around my waist. And I really want to be with someone who can just be that familiar and not be afraid to touch me. Like maybe it sounds like a no brainer, like of course if you are with someone you want them to touch you. I guess I just feel like I’m not gonna wait around if someone seems hesitant to touch me. Like I don’t want to spend another two years waiting for the next Jessie to clue in when she won’t.

And I was remembering a time from long ago, when Jessie took me to the Island and we had this sweet day walking around with each other. But I remember while we walked I accidentally bumped her hand with mine. And she withdrew it really fast. And it’s not like I was trying to hold her hand, and I didn’t mean to bump her. But it kind of broke my heart that she didn’t want to touch me that much, like she couldn’t even just let us bump into each other without withdrawing really quick. I dunno, I should have shelved it then and there.

I’m sort of realizing how much Jessie didn’t want to be with me. I don’t know why it has taken me this long to accept it. And like yeah she has a partner blah blah blah and she did send some mixed messages. But also she just really didn’t love me or want to be with me. I guess it was hard to understand that with the mixed messages.

It’s okay, there are other people interested in me or who will be interested I’m sure.

My friend L. last night knows my big news and we were talking about it and she was like “OH MY GOD you have to get a girlfriend before it comes out or you’ll wonder if she wants you just because you are famous!” and I’m like “I KNOW OMG! I don’t think I will though, it’s coming out too soon. And now I’ll never know!”

It’s true, people want to know they’ll be loved during a low, not a high. Loving someone when they are up high is easy. I dunno, in a lot of ways though I just have to trust that the right woman is gonna find me and put her arm around me.