I want to fall in love already

So I sent Kate a message on like, Sunday night, suggesting we go to this light therapy room for our first hang out in March. And she never got back to me yet. And I mean, on her fb she had talked about having a bad day on Monday and stuff. So it could just be that she doesn’t want to talk to me when she is in a bad mood. But then all of my insecurities are popping up like hell. I’m constantly wondering if I am too damn weird, like does she not want someone who eats meat? Does she think I overshare too much? Is she reading my public blog and thinking I am a head case? Does she think I am somehow problematic? Is she icked out by the idea of being a white woman who would dominate an Indigenous woman? OMG I’m going nuts. And I’m not overwhelming her by sending her more messages or anything. But I’m still feeling fucking nervous and like unsure.

AD said last summer that it was my turn to be chased. And I can see that. I often don’t like being chased. But I think if Kate was a little bit more forward with me or something I would at least feel better. I mean the thing is she could just be really busy and not be ready to send a message back, or maybe she doesn’t think I need a message back. I don’t know. She hasn’t liked or commented on any of my posts either.

BUT THEN Jessie really confused me about the speed of how relationships naturally form. Like, when she and I were first hanging out we talked every night until we fell asleep, and saw each other at these very datey (yet apparently not datey) hang outs. And she was confessing insecurities and personal things REALLY EARLY between us, like drawing me into some pity party stories. I was even confused back then thinking the emotional intimacy was super accelerated and talked about it with some friends. One of whom told me Jessie was love bombing me and it was a narcissist tactic. And then she did devalue and discard me over and over, so it was definitely SOMETHING unhealthy.

Anyway, I don’t know how to start a healthy relationship anymore. I know taking time to develop something is good, and not rushing things. And I know I need to feel secure in myself regardless of whether or not Kate decides to pursue this with me. And I’m trying to remind myself that I am a catch no matter what happens with Kate. I mean I don’t know what Kate’s needs are, maybe I am not the right person for her. Maybe she can see that already. I don’t know. I just know I feel anxious about this and it sucks.

And the thing is I have other work I need to do. I need to write a short script by Thursday. And I need to come up with an idea for a new video for this show in September. And I’m really tired. I want to rest still from all the work I did last week. And today was a snow day which was awesome, I finally had space to clean the house. But I didn’t do any writing, I mean I wrote, but only personal stuff in my diary and here. It’s only the fourth day since a very heavy long week of workshopping. It’s not a lot of time off. And even the Saturday I came back I did too many things when I just needed rest.

Anyway I think I DID come up with an idea of what I want to do for my video for this show in September. I found out just an hour ago that my friend is in town and we are meeting for breakfast tomorrow. I want to ask him if I can get him to be in this video. He would just need to lay down in a gas mask and say a sentence or two about what life would be like if he could cross borders easier. Ha ha omg I make it sound like this is so easy, BUT IT IS! I need the right people for this video though and he’s kind of perfect. Like I need a few people in this video. Anyway, I hope he’s interested in doing it. It would be awesome. I don’t have the right gas mask for it though. I’m embarrassed to say I DO have a gas mask. Maybe it’s too heavy handed of a video. I dunno omg. I think it could be awesome. It’s for a very specific issue. SO SPECIFIC.

Anyway…

I want to fall in love already! Why is everything sooooo slow!? I mean it’s partially my fault, I told her I was busy until the end of the month, WHICH IS TRUE! But yeah so is she so I need to chillax already. Like my psychic even told me relationships aren’t like gifts that just come out of the box ready to work. Like you need to build them and stuff. And I guess I just need to remember that building relationships is exciting and fun and work and if I am not having fun anymore then I need to move along. And like I don’t know Kate. I know her social media and how she was in person. But we haven’t sat down and had a back and forth conversation yet. So yeah.

And anyway my fancy news is coming out by the end of the month, so I need to wait for that. And then it might change things. In a weird way. Hopefully a good way though. But yeah I can’t control the world and how people relate to me.