Gotta get up early so what am I doing at night?

Anyway it’s a terrible time to be awake but here I am. I normally don’t mind being up until midnight or one. But tomorrow I gotta take my boy dog to the ophthalmologist and get his eyes looked at. He seems to be going blind. But it’s not making him any less of a bother, and I say that will all the love I feel for him. He still kind of dances around and rolls around when he’s happy. Just now he was banging his food dish on the floor because he was still hungry and wanted me to feed him. I’m just trying to make sure his senior years are as pleasant as possible.

I got up early this morning too to get tattooed. I was so nervous. It’s like my 12th tattoo and yet I still get freaked out before every one. This one was on my stomach, and I had never had my stomach tattooed before. It’s like a five inch by four inch tattoo of a slice of pie. Ha ha it’s kind of a joke I was making with friends about getting this tattoo. Anyway I was terrified about getting my stomach done, because I heard it was a painful area. Actually a younger friend who had it done posted on facebook not long ago that it was SO BAD. And then this is after getting my chest tattooed which definitely WAS bad and was a massive tattoo. I mean I love my chest tattoo, but fuck it hurt to get.

Anyway, this tattoo was a bit different because for the first time my artist sprayed me with vasocaine which is a topical anesthetic. She couldn’t do it right away though because it works on broken skin. So she had to wait until the lines and a bit of colour was in. BUT WOW when she sprayed me and then went back in after it kicked in, it was like I could just feel some vibrations, not the achey ripping feeling that a tattoo machine normally gives. Anyway because she sprayed me twice over our session I was able to finish this tattoo today. And yeah, when I got home FUCK IT HURT. It was so unhappy and when I moved around it ached so bad. But it’s been several hours since then, and I have gone out for dinner with friends and done other things, and it’s fine now. I feel okay. I’m a stomach sleeper though so I’m sure that is gonna hurt.

People have started asking if I am gonna do my whole body. And I don’t know. I keep getting ideas for tattoos anyway. And I’ve grown older and more financially stable so finally I can go hard on getting the tattoos I want. And I have only about three more planned. I want a cherry bomb on my ass, and dogs on my legs. My dogs obviously. I am doing more that aren’t on my arms. When I started I really wanted my arms done. And there is still room on them but I haven’t totally figured out what to do with the extra space, and also I felt like I had a bare body and just like, quasi sleeves. So I think the first tattoo I got besides a back of the neck tattoo was my back, I got a memorial tattoo back there for my grandparents. And then my chest. And now my stomach. These aren’t full on tattoos though except the chest one is pretty big. I mean the others are smaller ones. I never get to see the one on my back though, it’s hard, wish I could see it. Maybe a future lover will take pics of me in bed and let me see what I really look like. I only get to see selfies from my arm in the air pointing down, or I guess standing mirror images. But I haven’t had someone take pictures of me nude in like, forever.

It’s funny some of the things I feel like I missed out on. I haven’t had a partner in so long, and technology has changed. It’s easier to take nude pics without the danger of letting the photo lab guy make copies. And I dunno, I also miss being sexy for someone specifically. Sometimes I post thirst traps on Instagram but really if I had a partner I’d just want to send them to them. I only want to be cute for one person but I don’t know who that person is yet so I’m just trying to be cute for everyone hoping the one person sees it one day and asks me out. I guess.

Anyway, Jessie is posting on facebook more and more, and it’s making me wonder if I should unfollow her for my own sanity. She probably unfollowed me a long time ago. She never likes or comments on anything of mine anymore. It’s cold! I really wish things had turned out differently. Sometimes I still wish I could say the right thing to her that would make her regret how she treated me, but honestly I don’t think she regrets it.

When I was younger I used to have this soft dream that when people died they would finally understand why some of the things they did were awful. They would finally understand the ramifications of all their actions and be regretful and want to do better. And then at some point I realized maybe that didn’t happen to spirits. Maybe it doesn’t happen to people either. Maybe people live and die and feel completely justified in some of the ways they have exploited and hurt people. Maybe they never live to regret it. It’s kind of a bummer. But it’s also made me more willing to draw stricter boundaries around myself when people are hurting me. They aren’t going to get why it’s bad.

Anyway, I don’t think Jessie is ever gonna realize why the way she treated me was bad. I truly think she’s going to pass away as an old lady still feeling like the victim in our friendship. In most of her relationships actually. I don’t think she’s going to repent and apologize for dicking around with my heart. It’s a bummer. I have to give up thinking I can ever have a conversation with her where she clues in. And I am sure I wasn’t great to her either but I was always honest and I dunno I was willing to be friends with her even if she didn’t love me and I guess she couldn’t handle that in the end. It feels shitty. But I honestly tried to mend things and she was so not willing to do any work at helping our friendship be okay.

Anyway, maybe her making boundaries that excluded me from her life were really the boundaries I needed to keep her away from me. Maybe it did work out in the end. I didn’t want to let her go, but it was probably for the best that it happened that way. Anyway, makes me think I should unfollow her so I don’t see her social media presence.