Ermagerd am I ever tired!

So it’s near the end of the workshop/conference. My youth finished their video on time so all afternoon I have been sitting around. The sleepiness and exhaustion has set in and it’s almost 5pm and I’m now sunken into a chair in the lobby of the hotel crashing hardcore. Someone offered their hotel room since I had to check out this morning as I travel back home tonight. But I didn’t take them up on it and I regret it now. Dinner is in 45 minutes.

I’m so tired oh fuck this has been a hard week of work and doing hours I don’t normally do in my regular workaday life. I’m not really a Monday to Friday 9-6 person. I’m like, working everyday but usually at home with way more flexibility and in spurts. So this is a lot to ask of me. I’m basically gonna want to sleep for two days this weekend. Except I have an art show tomorrow that I want to go to, so I have to go to that.

But at least I’ll be able to sleep in a lil bit. I’ve been waking up at like, 8am everyday, and usually I let myself wake up whenever I wake up which is usually around 10am. I know it probably sounds like I live and work like a cat and just do what I please but for whatever reason it works for me and still lets me get a lot done. So yeah, this has been a rough week. And it’s okay, I can do this for a few days. But I’ve hit the limit and I’m glad I am only here a couple more hours and then I am in the car.

I’m really happy about Kate agreeing to a date/hangout though. Even tho it’s far away. I was telling some of the other mentors about it and how we are both busy until March and one of them was like “Well congratulations for having a date in March!” ha ha oh god.

It really hasn’t been so long since my last date. Which was in November with the butch I wasn’t into. But this will be a good date and fun and there is even more of a spark already than with the girl I was trying to date in October who turned me down for a second date. Like that girl seemed okay and I really wanted to like her and I did but I wasn’t fantasizing about her the way I am about Kate. God it makes me sound like such a perv. I just like knowing there is some chemistry.

I’m shy to mention wanting a baby on my Facebook now tho because she is my facebook friend. Even tho fuck like all over the place I’m like “I have frozen eggs! I want a baby!”

I had a dream about a little boy last night. He must have been like six or seven in my dream. He was upset and crying and I was holding him and comforting him and feeling this very maternal love for him. It is so weird. I’ve had a few dreams about a boy in my adult life, but I have been having more and more recently. I didn’t really know what maternal love would feel like but I felt it in this dream and it was this really sweet energy.

Anyway, I got shy about mentioning my dream on Facebook because it comes with all this stuff and seems somewhat prophetic and I’m not wanting to scare women away from me, but also I need to be honest about what I want my future to look like. And I feel like there is this little boy spirit floating around me wanting to come into the world. Anyway yeah, it’s this delicate balance of not wanting to scare people and also wanting to be honest so neither of us wastes time just to get broken hearts when we can’t see a compatible future together. But also when I gave her my card it has my website on it which has a blog where I have talked about wanting babies. So like if she is doing her research and looking me up she’s gonna find that out anyway.

I mean the thing is I need to be clear about what I am looking for. Which is a serious relationship. And surely there is someone who wants the same things. My friend M has been trying to date but everyone they date wants a baby (and they don’t) and so it’s not like it’s rare for queerdos to be wanting children these days. Anyway yeah.

I’m so beat I should go look at some other website.