Closure In A Terrible Way

So I was supposed to meet up with my kind of sort of ex Carrie today for dinner. And I got this bad feeling she was gonna flake. I sent her a message when I got on the bus like “I’m on my way!” hoping she wouldn’t flake, and she never answered. I sat at this restaurant waiting for 40 minutes before ordering my portobello burger. I read part of a new book. I shit talked her to my cousin and my friend Ricky while I waited. She still didn’t text back. I ate and then got the cheque and then waited for the bus downtown for twenty minutes while talking to my Mom on the phone about how awful Carrie is. And then I took the bus home, and sat around talking with my Mom and eating some leftover chocolate cake. And then FINALLY Carrie gets back to me, and it’s like a Thursday today and for some reason she thinks it’s Wednesday and wants to try again some other time.

But by this time I have really had enough of her shit. And it’s just been years of feeling disrespected by her, and this is the last straw. And she asked to see me another day and I just said “I don’t think so, I don’t want to waste my time again.” Like really the amount of disrespect it takes to totally bail on someone who is visiting from out of town. Ugh. Like I could have been seeing all kinds of other friends instead of waiting alone in a restaurant all night for this flaky loser.

She’s kind of a social climber. And she discards friends really easily, like they will feel they have a solid friendship and then suddenly she just abandons them. She’s awful and she looks cute which is how she gets away with so much shitty behaviour. Anyway I have just had it, I am not gonna waste more time trying to see her. And I guess the only reason I wanted to see her was to get closure on our shitty non-relationship/friendship. And in a way I got closure in the end just by seeing again what an awful person she is. Ugh what a fucker.

On the bus on the way home I had seen Jessie post on Instagram about this musician who is really amazing, whose music I posted in the fall on Facebook because this song he sings made me cry every time I heard it. Oddly enough mostly when I cried it was because of some pent up grief about Jessie abandoning me as a friend. Anyway, Jessie had said recently it was ok if I commented on her stuff. And part of me wanted to hold back, I don’t know. Like not like it or anything. But instead I said that song makes me cry and happy new year Jessie and stuff in a comment. And then there was this awful worry that she’d not respond at all, like a hand reaching out for a handshake that just gets left hanging in the air. But she did comment a happy new year back to me and said she got teary when she saw him in concert.

I guess that’s all our friendship is now, cordial comments on social media. I guess that’s okay, I don’t know what I expect. She’s still scared of being alone with me and not only that, but scared of having private messages from me. And I am respecting that, and yeah. It’s probably for the best. I guess it’s still hard because I really liked the emotional labour exchange we were doing for each other when things seemed ok last year. Like I felt I could count on her, and then slowly realized I couldn’t. And that what I was seeing was different from what she saw. And I thought we could be friends and that wasn’t the case at all.

Anyway…

Some good stuff did happen today. My doc is done, I got to watch the final cut and approve it and now it goes off for sound mix and stuff.  I bought some new books to read, the one I am reading now is kind of like about radical self love of your and other people’s bodies. And then someone’s memoir about being Indigenous and Bipolar. Bipolar II. I’m Bipolar I, the “scary” bipolar, the one that goes way off the rails and needs hospital interventions. But I haven’t had to go to the hospital in 12 years now. Thank fucking god.

I hung out with my Mom telling the dogs to stop barking at the renovation guy.

I didn’t even send any work emails today except for about the doc I guess.

I tracked a bunch of packages. Some stuff is just kind of hovering in the mail, I don’t know what happened to it. One thing got delivered but my neighbour couldn’t find it. I’m hoping it got slipped through the slot, it was a very small parcel. Some stuff is coming here, only two things are headed to my house in Toronto right now so I am just hoping I make it back in time, or they put in a mail slip for me to pick it up at the post office.

Anyway yeah I’m so tired. I should go to bed.