Blood Sugar

So I was all tired and sad and whiny again today. And then I ordered room service after doing tech check and FUCK that food perked me right up.

I’ve been so bummed that I am working too hard and burning out. But also part of all that work is I am not eating properly. And having decent blood sugar changes my mood so much. I felt so much better after eating. And I had a pop and chocolate.

Thunder Bay is fine so far. I have only been to the Gallery and this hotel room. I’m trying to stick close to safety here. It’s going okay. I only have a day and a half left really, which is good.

I’m missing my dogs like you wouldn’t believe. It’s just over a week until I can be with them again. But wow I miss them.

I’m back! Finishing this post!

So I went and did the first screening. A few people came up after to talk to me, some were more, uhhhhh, appropriate than others. ANYWAY it’s over, so now I am relaxing and tomorrow morning at 11:30 gotta be back there for an artist talk and then a workshop.

I have done NO preparing for the workshop. I’m gonna do it as a modified artist talk I guess. Such a weird thing. I’m exhausted and have no time to make materials. But hopefully I can use my laptop to show things I’ve written, and talk about performance. UGHH ha ha nerdy.

There was an amber alert in Ontario last night and I made the mistake of writing “OMG that Amber Alert scared me!” on my facebook, because it did they make scary noises when they go off. But I wasn’t like, against the idea of amber alerts, they just give me a mini heart attack when they go off. BUT ANYWAY then some people wrote shitty things about Amber Alerts on there and I did like their comments because I generally like comments not because I agree always but to make sure people know I read their comment. ANYWAY then obviously there WERE a bunch of people who got pissy enough about the Amber Alert to call 911 and complain (which is REALLY out of line, although I think none of those were my friends). And then the girl who had been abducted by her father turned out to have been murdered by him. So yeah it was a big mess and I almost wanted to delete my original status. Even tho I never said I hate amber alerts, only that they scared me. And they always have, even when they just came on my tv. I mean I guess it’s good they are scary sounding but also omg they are scary.

Anyway I probably look like a dick just because I said it scared me. And now everyone everywhere on my fb feed is weighing in on amber alerts and it’s bumming me out because it’s like such a fight and it’s really too bad.

Anyway yeah.

Kate hasn’t messaged me. I’ve been busy today, not a great day to message. Still I wish she would do something. I feel like, adrift. Like I dunno…

I guess part of it is that normally when I meet new potential girlfriends I rein myself in and try to act different, “better,” but then I just don’t act like myself and I live a lie online just long enough to find out if they would be okay with certain things about myself. And this time I am trying really hard not to do that. I’m trying to be authentic and honest like I always am and see what happens. And I dunno, I guess part of me is bummed out like maybe my authentic honest self is not who Kate wants or thought she saw in me. Maybe we are incompatible, or just, I dunno. Maybe she’s not down with who I am. And that feels kind of like a rejection and it hurts. And the thing is it might really not be that Kate is rejecting me, she might honestly recognize that I am super busy and need space until after Texas. Which is like, yeah that’s true. It’s true I do need space. I just wish she would give me at least a hint that she likes me. Because right now it just feels like she accepted my friend request and doesn’t want anything else to do with me except to maybe lurk my facebook.

I’ve also seen another distressed Jessie Instagram post. A long description of how badly she is doing mental health wise since her eviction notice. And I’m like, wow I can’t do anything about this. She doesn’t want private messages from me. What am I supposed to do? Nothing I guess. I feel almost like these posts from her are a cry for help, and normally if she had posted that I would have sent her a message checking in. But she doesn’t want me to send her private messages so like fuck you Jessie. I honestly have no options for that situation except to keep leaving her alone.

And sometimes I wonder what I would do if she sent me a message asking for me to give her emotional labour again to help her through this rough patch. And like, I have gotten better since Jessie and I stopped talking. Yes it was hard, and sad, and lonely. But it also freed up space in my life to have a chance to be open to love again. And I don’t know when the love thing is going to actually materialize, but I’m finally at a point where I can meet a cute girl and hope to kiss her and she isn’t fucking Jessie. And that would not have happened if Jessie and I had kept talking.

I do sometimes miss Jessie. But also she was awful. She was afraid of me but wouldn’t tell me that. She avoided being honest about not wanting to hang out with me or text me until I made this space for her to tell me that, and then she got mad at me for opening up the space to basically tell me she only wanted to be pretend friends. It really wasn’t fair to me at all. I mean whatever. She’s fucked. And the whole ending made me realize I didn’t really want to be with her because she has a mean streak a mile wide.

There’s some weird irony here too, which is that she’d known for the whole time we were hanging out that her landlord was fucked and trying to get her to move. And I live in a co-op. And I know that when I get a partner I am going to apply for a two bedroom in the co-op and move someone in with me. And there was a time I really wanted that person to be Jessie. But she has a partner. And whatever I’m not going to say what I think about that partner. But she pushed me away to protect that relationship I guess, and now her and her partner are facing homelessness or at least moving to a more expensive place somewhere else. And I still have a spot in my heart for someone unknown and the option of getting on the two bedroom list. I mean it’s fucked, she was gonna stay with that partner no matter what. It just seems weird that a relationship with me is the answer for someone who wants affordable housing. It’s kind of dickish to think like that. But like, ahhh I’m just here and available and waiting for the right person. And I dunno. It’s weird that’s all.

Anyway I don’t feel so bad for her, her and her partner are making decent coin and definitely not living in poverty. So like yeah it would suck but they can afford to live somewhere else.

Anyway…

I should chill out now. I gotta go sleep and wake up for breakfast before my long day. Tomorrow is work work work, and then Sunday is traveling, so I just need to get through tomorrow and then it eases up a little. A little.