Ambiguous Queer Hang Out

SO anyway, right, so Kate accepted my friend request, which I didn’t realize until I saw on my Instagram that she was suggested for me to follow because she was a Facebook Friend. And then I was like OMG OMG OMG and went to confirm, and sure enough there she was. I was able to read some more of her posts, then got off her page when I accidentally started writing things on old posts (I didn’t post comments tho I deleted before I did but omg too close!). It was like, I was typing in chat to my friend and got in the wrong box. ANYWAY crisis averted but I didn’t want to deep creep her profile and wig her out.

So tonight I finally sent her a message. But when I opened a chat window with her I found these old chats from like, five years ago when I first moved to Toronto. I guess she had advertised a room for rent or something with her and her roommates. And I was inquiring about it and they decided to go with someone they knew, or the timing of when I could move in was weird or something, I don’t remember. ANYWAY woah, that kind of blew my mind to realize we had talked to each other that long ago. Anyway, I sent her a message. And she sent one back right away. And we had this nice kind of like “It was nice meeting you” “you too” and I said if she wanted to hang out I was busy the next couple weeks but wanted to see her. And then she disappeared. And I was like oh damn I guess she doesn’t want me (so discouraged so easy!) and then I called my Mom up to whine when suddenly the chat box opened again and she said she was busy too but maybe in March we could hang out. Which actually works well for me. I mentioned something about traveling so much this month and how March and April I want to stay in Toronto. And she wrote this adorable compliment that was something about how she found makers impressive. Like artists I guess. OMG I didn’t know what to say but it was cute. But yeah, we are gonna do something fun in March.

So unfortunately I used the words “hang out” instead of the more appropriate term “date” which is such a queerdo thing for me to do. There’s this notorious thing queer women do where we don’t call dates dates, we call them hang outs and then go on these ambiguous queer hang outs not knowing if we are on a date or trying to be friends. IT’S SO BAD! OMG so I had promised to myself I wasn’t gonna do that again and yet here I am doing the ambiguous thing. Like that was what happened with Jessie and I and they seemed VERY DATEY when we actually hung out but were apparently just hang outs and not dates.

ALSO I found out she is like, eight years younger than me. Which I guess makes me a butch cougar or something. BUT GOD she is so beautiful and smart. I dunno I know, age is just a number (I mean unless you are dating literal children/teens in which case gross don’t do that shit!), and 32-40 is not a bad age difference. It’s still weird for me. Jessie was the youngest person I was interested in in terms of our age difference and that was only two and a half years. But this is a BIG DIFFERENCE. Anyway whatever I’ll get over it, or it will be insurmountable, who knows.

And I mean the thing is I really don’t know her except some basic facts about her, what she looks like when she is flirting, that she has this sexy smile that turns me the fuck on, and that I think we have this very adorable butch/femme chemistry between us. I know she is single and looking for a partner. I don’t know how serious she wants that partner to be. I don’t know for example if she wants babies. Which is kind of the big deal thing right now. I know she is a singer in a choir. I know she is smart cause she is doing a PhD. I know she appreciates the arts. I know she is gay. I mean I think I know more than that tho I just don’t feel like writing it all out.

BUT I do think she’s smart enough to realize we are gonna go on a date, even tho I called it a hang out. FUCK I gotta stop doing that. But the important part is she said yes and she complimented me which was really cute even tho I felt too awkward to thank her. I think the awkwardness between us is kind of adorable though. It’s a good sign.