the burden of choice

man

i’ve been single for over a year … by mistake. i’ve come to love it. the independence i have is the sweetest fruit. i have so much time, so much freedom. i didn’t use that time wisely for the first 8 months i was single—i was always worrying about my ex, my mental health was terrible, and i was spiraling into despair instead of seizing the opportunities that fell into my lap after the breakup—opportunities to make great art, explore the world, figure out what i want. it is still new to me, to feel so secure rolling solo. nobody is watching me, judging me. i can do whatever i want and my excitement is boundless. i’ve grown fond of my private emotions. i don’t feel an urge to tell others everything about life. there is something romantic about having a secret between me and myself, enjoying a sunset or a subway car for nobody but me. a peace i had never felt has finally come into my life.

here comes my predicament: now, im in a new city. i’ve been sleeping with someone new and it’s going well. i like her. she is adorable, kind, sweet, we share some interests and a sense of humor. it isn’t electric. //it doesn’t have to be//… or does it? i don’t think i want my love to be electrifying. infatuation makes a beast out of me. showers become obsessive voids. i lose myself and love too hard. hours are painful. nights are treacherous. i don’t know how to live without cracking a tooth.

this girl might not be so special, but once the ball is rolling it’s hard to get it to stop. and having sex with someone when you’re single is hard—what are we? are we sleeping with other people or not? what is happening?

and a few days ago i went to a party and saw a different woman who was so gorgeous that i audibly said “wow.” when i first saw her. do i ask her to hang out? if i do, i might feel terrible about it, despite not being committed to anyone at the moment. but she is so incredibly gorgeous.

so.. the burden of choice:

a) stay with first girl and don’t pursue the second

b) stay with the first girl and do pursue the second

c) talk to the first girl and try to work out what our intentions might be, together

d) end things with the first girl and continue my incredible single life.

anyway. it’s hard. i’m having a difficult time staying awake. i keep dozing off. i guess i’ll leave it at that. ugh!

-anonymous