I’m a dog

Huh.

I’m surprised to see how recently I posted on here.

I am such a dog. My lust rarely feels appropriate. I’m hard on myself. I see myself as a pathetic teen boy. I’m neither of the latter two. At worst, I’m a pathetic 24 year old woman. Hahaha. Being gay is hard and exhilarating. It isn’t naughty to be gay, but it feels naughty to lust for your friends, people who trust your eyes. I try hard to hide my roving eyes. It doesn’t work very well.

I’m worried I will ruin a new friendship for myself, but the dominos began falling the moment I first realized how I felt about her. I wish I were the type of person to take my feelings in stride, to say “game on.” To confidently pursue my desire. Instead, I suppress it for the little time I can before it blows. It will blow sooner than I think it will.

It’s hot to recklessly express lust. If I were her, I would want someone to be confident that they are attracted to me. I am confident that I’m attracted to her, but knowing it could wreck our friendship and my friendship with her sister is scary. I would lose so much love, so much music, so much warmth and light. It feels like a plague that I have these feelings. I have ruined it before, twice. It feels terrible. I’m sorry to those women. I’m sorry.

So I go back and forth—sometimes I let my lust slip into view to see what will happen. Nothing has happened, beyond a slight awkward air. I don’t want to ruin what we have. I worked so hard to forge these friendships and I don’t want to return to my life before it.

I just watched some straight pornography and thought of her. I thought about the 6 men that she has on rotation, how she touches them, how I wish I could be one of them, how I wish I could prove to her that I can be everything and more for her. To be clear, I’m not threatened by her bisexuality. I don’t care if I am one among 7. I want to love her.

I’m such a dog. I sit and I beg and I am endlessly, sickeningly loyal. It feels pathetic when I can’t even admit my infatuation to her. I know how this goes. I will admit it. I can only hope that when I eventually do, I do a better job at it than last time…

I gotta go paint something or make some art because I cannnnnnot keep dwelling on these feelings.

MUSIC RECOMMENDATION for those who love Kate Bush, Enya, ABBA: I’ve been listening to Sally Oldfield’s album “The Enchanted Way” today and it feels like I am hanging with the stars in the sky.