to homeschool or not to homeschool

I’m completely unashamed of the fact that I haven’t done a damn thing all day, nor did I attempt to do anything other than sit on my rear end and watch the first three discs of season six of The X-Files.

Inexplicably, Ben has completely flip-flopped his schedule.  He spends the bulk of the day – from noon to eight – zonked out, waking only to nurse and get a diaper change.  Then at night, he squirms around in bed and wants to nurse every half hour. 

This makes me one very tired mommy, because I no longer have the opportunity to take a nap in the middle of the day.  Hence the reason I sat on my ass all day today.  I was/am freaking tired.   I’m going to ask Mom tomorrow if she doesn’t want to try keeping Chloe overnight this Saturday or next.  I love that little girl to pieces, but I need a break from the tantrums or I’m going to go nuts.

In addition to those stressful things, I’ve also been wrestling with the homeschool issue.  I want to homeschool for two reasons: I believe it will be the better educational choice for my children, and it will allow them to avoid vaccinations altogether, which I believe do more harm than good.  The really tough issue I have to examine is – do I have it in me to educate my children?  There are some days, like today, that I’m absolutely sure I don’t.  The little selfish part of me comes out and reminds me that if I send them to public school, I’m guaranteed a few hours’ break from being Mommy five days a week.  Am I even capable of homeschooling?  I can barely manage to keep the dishes done and the laundry folded – what in the world makes me think I can educate two children? 

And what if I have to go back to work?  Do I want to juggle a career, plus being Mom, plus being Teacher? 

These are the things that are keeping me up at night. 

It is normally not so difficult for me to make tough decisions.  I am usually able to see the best route and decide accordingly, but this just has me stumped. Part of me wants to just say "whatever the issue is with homeschooling, we’ll work through it and do our best."  But what if my best isn’t up to par?  What if I start slacking off?  Can I HS without proper help and support from Aaron (because we all know the work will be left up to me)? 

But then I think of all the wonderful things we could do, all of the time we would spend together as a family and I think "Dammit, yes I AM going to homeschool." 

And why is all of this bothering me so soon, when the kids have several years before they reach kindergarten age?  Because Chloe turns two in a week (!!!!!) and has her check up with the pedi on Tuesday, during which time he will most definitely want to start putting together a vax schedule.  And when I think of the reaction Chloe had the last time she was vaxed (at four months), I cringe.  But if I don’t vax and then have to send the kids to school, I’m stuck layering shots on them like I don’t know what in order to get them caught up in time. 

Really, I want to bang my head against the wall right now.