The Talk, and the aftermath
Okay.
So.
Where to start?
Let me just preface this entire entry by saying that this weekend was like living in an episode of the Twilight Zone. It was just….weird. I was shocked speechless right at the start when Aaron came out and apologized for the texting/leaving before Chloe was asleep business. He flat out admitted he was wrong, promised to start leaving his phone in the car. Color me astonished, right?
Anyway….The Talk.
So I took my shower, checked my e-mail, Facebook, and OD one last time and mentally braced myself for what was to come. This is one reason why I’m not good in relationships – I suck at the emotional stuff. I’m no good at it, not face to face, and it makes me very uncomfortable. Part social anxiety, part trust issues.
We discussed his wanting me to homeschool the kids. Then we discussed all the things that happened the night we decided to separate (i.e. – me agreeing to a separation basically because he wasn’t open to any other options), and I clarified that to him, because he couldn’t seem to understand what I meant by it.
Anyway, after talking in circles for awhile, he says that we’re both different people now. That’s true, because I know I am light-years away from the person I was before and when I met him. But apparently some things have happened to him over these two months that have "changed" him, or so he says.
What it all came down to, in the end, is that he wants us to, basically, start over at the beginning. He wants us to start dating again to see if the two people we are now can build a relationship that’s worth having.
In theory, I don’t have a problem with that idea. But in practice, I’m not sure. There are so many things about him that literally drive me up the wall, and I flat out told him it would take a lot of thought on my part to even begin to decide which of those things I could maybe live with, if any. He doesn’t want an answer from me right away; he wants me to think about it for a couple of weeks.
Honestly, my kneejerk, automatic reaction is to tell him no, that I like my life the way it is now and I don’t want to add any more complications back into it. But, the fact that it was my first reaction is almost a reason in itself not to follow it. My first reaction to nearly any situation is almost always about protecting myself. About saving me any embarrassment, any hard work, about taking the easiest road. So, telling him no might be the absolute right decision to make here, but I still have to step back and examine everything to make sure I’m doing it for the right reasons. If I’m doing it to, essentially, hide my head in sand and keep away from anything that might make my life difficult, then that’s doing a disservice to our marriage, and our kids.
I have to admit that I’m equally torn in the two directions right now, for all the reason I’ve talked about these past couple of weeks. Part of me thinks I have to be crazy to even be considering it, with what I’ve been through emotionally the past couple of months. I’m just now starting to "stablize" and get into some semblance of routine without him being here. But on the other hand, what if? What if we can actually pull this off and make a better relationship for the two of us? What if this separation is the wake up call we needed to both start paying attention? Not to mention that I was perfectly willing to work on our problems when we first separated, so why not now?
I’ve not done any really serious thinking on the issue yet. I’m waiting until a few of my questions get answered, like the reason for/recipient of the the text messages I found, and if he only wants to work on things for the kids, and just a few other things that have come to mind. I don’t know if any of that information will affect my decision in one direction or the other, but I know that I can’t go forward with any sort of certainty until I know. If not, the not knowing will eat at me and undermine any sort of positive progress we might be able to make.
I’m sure I’m going to be talking about this incessantly until I make a decision, so I apologize in advance for that. I’m likely to be waffling back and forth, and complaining, and unsure.
When I first met Aaron, I jumped into a relationship with him head first with my eyes closed. I’m determined to make the right decision this time, not the most convenient one, or the easiest one, or the popular one. I’ve got a long few weeks ahead of me, along with more than a few sleepless nights.
I can’t afford to make this decision impulsively and without all the information, because I owe it to my kids to do things the right way.
