Finding where the road leads.

I’m sitting at a point right now where everything I want my life to be seems so very, very far away and unattainable that I just want to scream.  And I have no inkling of where to start to begin putting myself on a path that leads in that direction.  It’s frustrating.

When I look at my ideal life, it definitely isn’t working the better part of 70 hours a week for 36k a year and not having much to show for it in the end.  I do love my job, and I love the people I work with, but a lot of that is about to change in the coming month, with a shift in upper management, and it has really thrown into focus the fact that I’m not doing what I love.  I can’t do this for the rest of my career – the stress will kill me.  I’m not enough of an outgoing people person to be satisfied and fulfilled in such an interaction-heavy career.  It goes against everything basic about my personality. 

If money were no concern, I’d buy a sheep farm, and I’d raise sheep and spin yarn and homestead and homeschool my kiddos (instead of the internet doing it for me) and I’d write novels in my spare time.  And I would be happy. 

But instead, I’m lucky if I see my babies 15 hours a week, my house always looks some level of chaotic (because though Aaron tries, he’s never going to be a master housekeeper), and my health is already suffering because I don’t have time for more than one meal a day, and it normally comes from a drive through. 

I took this job because it was a chance to pull my family up out of poverty, to get us above the meager minimum wage salaries we’d been stuck at for years, to hopefully get the ball rolling for much better things in our future.   And then my van died and I had to go into debt again to buy a decent, dependable car that would be good for the traveling I need to do for work. 

I feel like I spend all of my time reacting to life instead of intentionally leading my life in the direction I’d like it to take.  I need a road map.