Thar be no closure here

I sent this as a text to TS:

 "Just wanted to let you know that every time i try and open up to you, i feel a sense of mockery and egocentricity coming from you, i thought it was just temporary but it seems to be happening quite regularly. Perhaps i should just restrain myself from talking about anything that is remotely intimate or dealing with our past as it always seems to make me feel bad, and it seems you derive no utility from it."

I do sense that what I attempt to feel in the act of re-evaluating and comparing my emotional states and states of people around me is a sense of closure. I want to feel that cathartic moment when we both go, Ahah! You’re right, I love you and this all makes sense, all that pain, grief and self sabotage wasn’t for nill… but I feel with each attempt how starkly evident the emptiness is in my vain attempts at such a thing.

She will never understand me, and hence why it would’ve never worked out. From each side comes either the grossly egocentric or the maddeningly sarcastic tones of her befuddling mind. I try to be humble and give her a chance to say she’s joking, but neigh, the witch of the west would sooner buy Dorothy versace than TS give me some nice words of contrition.

Perhaps I’m a bit negative at the moment, but this is all I can think of. I have better things to do than wallow in this, I think I have it sufficiently off my chest and have come to the conclusion that it is pointless to search for something I will never find. For whatever reason, it is simply an endeavor of disutility to attempt any sense of closure. Let it go, be a healthier happier Al.