Sometimes I feel I am spreading my dysfunction

I’m not sure why, but my brain does try and compare myself to others, when I do that, I feel like I’m just spreading my dysfunction.

I feel like I hit harder lows than the average person and that makes me want to justify my existence by having higher high’s. I mean, if I were to have chosen my life, I would have definitely chosen the one with more ups and downs, whatever I could do to not be average. I think the most thing to disdain in life is an average one. I suppose, however, that that mentality could lead to a certain amount of unknowingly self sabotaging habits.

There is an underlying amount of resentment I have towards TS that I’m not sure why that is. I know I’ve been paying child support that is on the higher side – which I do voluntarily, but I’m somewhat upset that it’s just taking me a while to save up to the point I want to be at (I’m almost half way after a year!). One of the reasons I ended the relationship was because we were never saving money and I feel that she might be squandering the money… It’s a hard aspect to deal with, as sometimes I wish I could just put that money in some fund that was only redeemable for food, child’s clothes & etc, with the excess going into some bank account that is redeemable when tots became 18. Anyhow, most likely that money flow will be getting smaller very soon – and that won’t be my choice.

I do feel my biggest issue is that I am – in essence – seeking relief from the future, because I don’t know what it will entail and while I am generally positive there is a rare chance that in can be horrible. I suppose as long as I know that I have partaken in things that are far beyond normality, I am good with it.

I just wish struggling with depression was not so god damn difficult.

Right now I’m swinging between feeling like I’m in love and being dragged into an abysmal state of desperately lonely solipsism.

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Although I do feel a bit claustrophobic with the few amount of human resources I have. True depth in conversation is so incredibly hard to come by.