Eff You, Valentine!

For all you OD people who do not know my current situation, a brief run down…

My husband and I separated in December. I asked him to leave because I could no longer take how negative, hateful, and degrading he tends to be toward me. We’ve been in a relationship for nearly 10 years and the only time he treats me right is if I threaten to leave. He would do better for a month or two then go right back to the same ol same ol. It grew to where I just had enough and told him to leave. Of course now, he’s being Mr Perfect and expecting me to forgive him for it. 

Since you don’t have all the information my friends on PB have, you’re probably going to think he’s a real sweetie and I’m a bit of a bitch for feeling the way I do once I write the following. I just need to vent out my frustrations over this.

J came to the house this morning to pick up Landen for school. I try to make sure Landen is downstairs so J can’t come in but he made his way through the door this morning anyway. He had a bag in his hand that had little gifts in it. He hands Landen a Meowth from Pokémon and gave me a Minnie Mouse to give to Olivia. As he was leaving, he threw a shirt on the couch next to me and walked out. I involuntarily rolled my eyes and went back to posting my lanes for the day.

It suddenly dawned on me that I didn’t get cards for Landen to take to school. So I got up and started rushing to get ready so I could bring him some and he wouldn’t be left out. I picked up the shirt J brought to move it out of my way and a note fell out. Another involuntary eye roll presented itself. And the thought, What now?? echoed in my brain. He wrote all the things I begged to hear before it got to the point of unfixable and it really just pissed me off.

The letter:

I love you, (insert my name here) forever and always. I miss you with everything I have. You will never fully understand how deeply my heart feels for you. I worry that we’ll grow apart and I’ll end up losing you forever. You bring me to climax without sex and you do it all with regal grace. You are my heart in human form and I could never replace you.

Ok, we are going to stop here for a minute. You bring me to climax without sex?! Isn’t that a Tupac quote or lyric? Oh wait! Just hit me. That entire last bit is from Tupac. Plagiarism is not sexy or sweet; it’s a wrong.

Continued:

I would do anything for your forgiveness. I know without your forgiveness there is not much hope. I’m sorry will never be enough. It’s hard to believe this is where we are in our relationship. It hurts so much that you seem ok with this. I truly gave myself to you when I moved to (insert where we used to live). I never wanted anything other than your love. I love and the world knows it, except you I guess and that’s my fault. I never wanted you to change who you want to be, I accept you for you.

Let’s stop again for a moment. How is it hard to believe this is where we are? I’ve told him time and time again if he keeps doing the things he was then I was going to be done. He continued it like I was joking. I guess that’s because I forgave him so many times. He expects me to keep forgiving and forgiving the same things. He got so pissed at me the other day when I told him that when he keeps doing the same things to hurt me, he can no longer call them mistakes and he needs to own up and call them decisions because that’s what they are! (Holy Run-on Sentence, Batman!) Also he did not give himself fully when he moved. He expected me to do everything, take care of everything, act the way he wanted, and to be constantly happy even when he was yelling at me or threatening to leave. He’s never accepted me for me. He made fun of me for nearly everything about me. He accepted me for who he wants me to be not who I am!

Continued:

I will wait for you (inset my name here) even if it takes years. I believe in our love. I feel like they (yes, he really wrote they) will be detours but the road will pave it’s way back to us standing in the middle. You have my heart. I miss your eyes, lips, smell, hugs, most of all how happy you made me. I’m sure most of this doesn’t mean anything right now and most of this is just something I’ve already said.

No need to stop this time, that’s it. First of all, years? This is the guy who slept with 11 girls right after we split up before without a second thought? You’re going to wait years?! Doubt it. Second of all, I never made him happy! And if I did, he had a really fucked up way of showing it. All of the silent treatments and refusing to touch me or acting like my touch was repulsive to him. The calling me a cunt and a whore. The accusing me of cheating. The yelling and screaming that I never do anything and that I make him miserable. That’s happiness?!? I don’t understand how this can be anything close to happiness.

I brought the lawyer the money to start the divorce process. I need to work on the paperwork he sent me. I feel like J doesn’t believe I’m actually finished with him and that I’m going to take him back once I cool down. I’m not going to. I can’t keep putting myself in this situation. I can’t have my kids witness the extreme ups and downs of our relationship and think that’s how life is supposed to be. He’s just going to have to move on.

I’m going to give him this shirt back that he brought me. I do not want gifts from him. He can give to the kids but he needs to understand that we aren’t together anymore and by accepting things he buys, I’m not proving that to him.

Well, I hope everyone else has a good Valentine’s Day. Lol