In Death’s Shadow I walk

The calls come at all hours of the day and night. The phone number that comes up on the caller ID is a familiar one. The question is always the same. My answer is always the same, “I’ll be there within 30 minutes.”  There is no rush except that the police officers are standing around waiting on me. They can’t move the process along until I arrive and do my job. The family cannot move further in their grief until I do my job.

Knocking at the door upon arriving on the scene was always hard. What will I find on the other side? Family? Friends? Entering the home is filled with uncertainty, save one thing. Pictures of happier times generally adorn the walls or mantles of a fireplace. Now they sit as a painful reminder of what is lost. The police officer usually escorts me into the room where I find the reason for my presence. “Is it a crime scene?” is my standard question before I touch anything. Mostly the answer is no and I can do my job without concern for contaminating the scene.

I check their hands and jaw. Rigormortis? Signs of decomposition?  My stethoscope is placed gently on their chest, mid-clavicular 5th intercostal space or as close as I can get and then I listen. There are sounds. Sometimes the tubing on my stetho hitting my hand, the sound of the ticking of my own watch reverberating through my hand to the bell. Maybe a random gurgling sound from deep inside. Never a heart beat.

I’ve been doing this for two years now. I have yet to find something better to say to the family than, “My condolences on your loss.”  Usually they nod or say thank you. Once I gave a hug to a daughter who was distraught. Many times a simple hand placed gently on their upper arm to convey some feeble attempt at comfort. Sometimes I get questions. “Why did they die? Did they suffer? Are you sure there is nothing you can do?” Sometimes the police ask, “How long has he been dead?”

I am a registered nurse and do pronouncements for the police department. The person has to be declared dead before the medical examiner’s office will release the body… or decide they are coming to get it.  The person has to be dead before a funeral home can come to take the body. Grief can only continue when the body has been removed from the home and the family can experience their new normal. Their loved one is gone.

In Death’s shadow I walk and it is a lonely place to be.