November 20, 2005

oh, I am not quite sleeping

“Can you understand that a small creature, who cannot even comprehend what is being done to her, in a vile place, in the dark and the cold, beats herself on her strained little chest with her tiny fist and weeps with her anguished, gentle, meek tears for ‘dear God’ to protect her– can you understand such nonsense, my friend and my brother, my godly and humble novice, can you understand why this nonsense is needed and created? Without it, they say, man could not even have lived on earth, for he would not have known good and evil. Who wants to know this damned good and evil at such a price? The whole world of knowledge is not worth the tears of that child. I’m not talking about the suffering of grown-ups, they ate the apple and to hell with them, let the devil take them all, but these little ones! I’m tormenting you, Alyosha, you don’t look yourself. I’ll stop if you wish.”

“Never mind, I want to suffer too,” Alyosha murmured.

“Listen to me: I took children only so as to make it more obvious. About all the other human tears that have soaked the whole earth through, from crust to core, I don’t say a word, I’ve purposely narrowed down my theme. So people themselves are to blame, they were given paradise, they wanted freedom, and stole fire from heaven, knowing that they would become unhappy– so why pity them? But then there are the children, and what am I going to do with them? That is the question I cannot resolve. For the hundredth time I repeat: there are hosts of questions, but I’ve taken only the children, because here what I need to say is irrefutably clear. Listen: if everyone must suffer, in order to buy eternal harmony with their suffering, pray tell me what have children got to do with it?”

-Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov (Pevear/Volokhonsky translation)

michael.

November 22, 2005

The only Russian I’ve read is Nabokov, not sure if he counts. He kept making puns in multiple languages and I got a bit lost. This passage seems to be working under a bizarre assumption that the universe is intrinsically meaningful, whereas ‘fairness’ is only reliant on whether people decide they want to be fair or not.

Oh, and also: I didn’t mean by my last note that kids are all innocent victims. I fucking wasn’t. I had the philosophy of “you fuck with us, we’ll fuck with you”, but so much shit went down that by about 12 I changed it to “no matter what you do to us, I won’t fuck with you”, whereupon I got walked over for the rest of my life. Hmmm.

RYN: Yeah, shit with John is good. Don’t think I take it for granted. It’s still a recent thing. I had another mate a bit like John when I was a kid, though she was younger than me. But it all got hideous and she kept getting hurt, and I ran away in the end, it’s been over two years.

I wrote an entry about it once: http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D321666&entry=20055 I’d apologise for taking up your note space if anyone else was using it.

November 24, 2005

I like Nabokov, I’m just a bit undereducated for it and get lost.

November 27, 2005

Ah yeah, that’s a popular myth. But I talk absolute bollocks when I’m fucked. Though I did go through a stage of taking speed or base in order to get emotional enough to talk to John, in the days when I didn’t trust him at all. I have weird drug reactions, acid used to just make me fucking morbid, though now it makes me all daftly happy, and speed makes me cry. I know, it’s all bad really.

November 28, 2005

That’s me: http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D321666&entry=20045 That’s John: http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D321666&entry=20106 He’s 22. He’s a couple of inches taller than me, and he looks kind of slim too, though he’s bigger than me. People think we’re brothers a lot.

I picture you & CODY as looking like barbie and jesus.

November 29, 2005

All the John/Michael what-shippers the what what out-what what?

RYN: *snort* Yeah… I feel like a scary old perv in a trenchcoat outside a damn high school.

December 3, 2005

Oh, the manga thing. Yeah, me and Tim used to get that all the time. Manga twins. It’s not so fucking noticeable with just one of you. Bonus, I assumed he’d hate me. What action? Yeah, he can be my saviour if he wants. I’ve lost count of my father figures and my expectations are rock bottom. ps. I have principles against blondes, but girls who bite your face transcend them. very cute.

December 7, 2005

ah, you’ve got me all wrong… I always preferred to be bloody single, and this was the exception. So it didn’t work out. cest la vie. Anyway, I think of life like this. food. job. roof over head. I am currently writing to you in three places at once. Talk about high maintenance.

Locriology

December 19, 2005

In response to your note: That is possibly the smartest thing anyone has ever said about anything.

December 21, 2005

RYN: My feelings exactly.

December 28, 2005

Stop calling me pretty.