Still here doing some think..

I haven’t written in awhile. years I think. I always roam this diary site for others who are feeling as I am. I always start to write an entry but am thoughless or amazed at all the me people who are lonely, looking for love grasing for some clarifty un life. and i start to remember somewhere right now someone is feeling the same way i am, writing a entry.

My life hasn’t changed much. I’m still me. I’m 26 now. I will be 27 on November 12 . i’ve decided to start lying about my age now.LOL i feel hella old and have accompished nothing in my life.My pride and Joy Anthony(my son) will be 9 on July 15th 2009. he is so tall now. He still has curly hair. sometimes he crawls into bed(lighting scares) and i hug him and smell his hair and i cheish every second because in a few years he will ahve nothng to do with me. I love him whole hearthly. He will be in 4th grade in August. He is so big. I’m scared of blinking and BAM he’s 18. I was the best mother a person can be. i took care of his asthma needs i bakes cookiies for his class i went to every soccer and basketball game. i cleaned his scaped and cuts. most of all i gave him love even when he brought home bad grades. i NEVER WANTED KIDS EVER. When i found out i was preganant i was angry bitter and promptly broke off any contact with his biological father. He has no clue Anthony is his. i gave abortion some thought. i asked God to help m in my time of need and it came to me one day. i wouldn’t be the first un-wed mother nor the last. Besides i had Jose to help me out. My son is my life. i put him before anyone. My son is my SHADOW where ever i go he goes. Though i dread the day he will go to college(10 more years) i will be able to live a whole differnt life. I might consider marrying someone having kids all over again. maybe adfter i become a size 8 again.

Right now

I am living with Jose right now. Or shall i say he is living with me. This piece of shit economy has left him with very little work. Me having a good paying iob takes care of most things. I have always loved this man. he saved me from myself.When i asked him to move in it was a big step for me for my family. they were already used to him.As far as ANthony knows thats his father. My family likes him buthates the fact i pay most bills. What people don’t understand is when very he gets paid he gets a big cash payout and he pays off all outstading bills and puts money for Anthony in his saving.Jose has asked me to marry him. i said no. i am so scared of commement. to marry someone is beyond serious. i don’t want to take the chance of messing up. in the eyes of mexicans(my family) i am married. It sucks. I love Jose but i never felt that maic spark. I date dhim because my brotherhated him. i grew to love him. Even now i don’t feel it. I always thought we it came time for me to have sex out of my own free will it would be magic. No so much here. At first it was great but i grew tired of him. Sex is great i i miss it. After awhile i am just tried of eating the same day cerael every damn day. My freinds say im like a man. i say i want to make passionate love with someone not have sex just to have it. Jose will be 30 in Spetember he has asked for a child of his blood. i was quite appalled. he says he loves Anthony but wouldl like a child of his. I promplty said no i’m sorry but i can’t do that. it’s not in me aything soon to have a baby just to have one boot because HE wants one. i feel bad as a womne but why should i put myself and a child through a ordeal for a man. i even told Jose he wants to leave me for another women who would give him kids i would take no offense all i ask is he break up with me in a decent way and not let my family find him with some women. i harbour no anger towards he man. He is a kind soft spoke,generous man but he is not for me,

I wish i could be in love with him but no se manda el corazon.You can’t tell the heart what to do.

I think jose feels the same. He tells me he loves me but the look in his eyes is sadness. I don’t blame him for anything gone wrong with this realtionship. I must say it it beyond tempting not to except all the dinners someone is inviting me. he is too damn hot. i swear when he flirts with me i feel funny and dirty. a good dirty. he keeps making lil comment slike i;m sorry im holding you up your husband will start to hate me i reply sill i’m not marries. Now this is true i;m not marries nor will i ever expect those dinner invites until i am officially single. oh to be single again not to have someone hog your bed and sheets. notto have someone asking when are you going to be home.

Life doesn’t always work out the way i wish it could. One day i wish i could open myslef up to some one. let some one see the real me. the me who is not angry who loves to laugh who loves to joke around.

l amor es en puta madre.

i’m blabbing mostly. venting getting shit off my chest. i’m pissed about work. i just found out osme bitch makes more than me and yet all she does is sit there all day. i get paid tomorrow maybe that will make me feel better. i’m a show and bag purse. Maybe matching guess shoes and bag will brighten my day. Me and Anthony willbe going to the mall after work. he wants some converse and some new books. I live like 5 mintues from the mall.Jose will be working. i was thinking of hopping for a gift for someone specials birthday. Henry. the thougth accured to me that i can’t have it mailed because his he might be married,dating living with some and i don’t ever want to cause him any grief. i might call to say hapy birthday. it’s the least i can do he called me for mine and i was forever grateful. if i do send him a gift i jsut might fedex it to his job. i dunno i always remember his birthday but he never remebers mine. i wonder if he ever think of me. of what could of been. this new song jesse mccarthney sings how do you sleep reminds me of him. its been years and i still think of him.i still wish we could be friends.

enough for tonite i have to get remot access back to my jobs sever. i still have work to do. the things i do for money alot of money.

nite nite god let me sleep all nite

Dalie R