just rough

 my hearts been through some serious shit 

all my life 

everyones fucked me over

i guess im just a big fuck over

i pretend things dont bug me to save myself all the pain

because i cant say when enough is enough

even though i know ive had enough pain

i stay in pain to save myself heartache

even though all i got is just a big heartache

im so godamn lost

i dont even know which was is up

or which way is down

i cant tell from black and white

or when someone is lyin to my face

im tired of games

what the fuck is the point of those stupid fucking games

its so selfish its lame

and my head aint even attatched to reality

its out in space

sometimes i wana kill

sometimes i wish i could die…if i didnt have certian people in my life…i would want to die

but i couldnt hurt them and leave them in this world

but to stay…….i would rather just end the pain

i dont do it for me

i dont do anything for me

still i wake up every morning…and work hard for other people

i just dont know whose good

friends…family….boyfriends…and strangers

im not even close to anyone for real

and i trust no one

i talk to no one about it

because nobody has ever made the effort to be there for me

even though im constantly there for them

when i was a child and a teenager…..i was abused so bad by so many people in so many ways

and here i thought when i became indipendent…things would get better

they never did

and all i EVER see is dissapointment

even when i bring new people to my life

or change my ways

i really dont see a change

exept that i always feel worse

never better

i know being an adult is hard for everyone 

we just dont have time to dwell

i dont…im always going…ALWAYS 

until today

and the other times

and yet….im writing about it on here

not talkin to anyone

or trusting ANYONE

not even my best friend

my boyfriend

or any of them

i just feel done

like i have for a long time

but i dont have a choice…i have to be here…for other people

i posted on facebook that it doesnt look better on the other side of the fence …im happy with my life…today

even that was a lie….most other peoples lives seem nice

its just not mine….i do love my life….i just wish people would start treatin me better because i love the people i surround myself with

and im proud of what i worked for

and happy with what i have

and yet………….i wana kill or die

mostly die

but dont worry…id never kill myself this isnt a suicide note

i just am tired of fighting to even want to live

grrrrrr

i just dont want to pretend that i am strong right now