its done

 What people see on the outside is never whats really on the inside so people will always be judged but now i gota cleanse and do whats best for me. Its not a mistake but i hope i go through with it because im in charge of my life not someone else. Its better to cry hard for a little while because of me than cry forever because of someone else. My kids dont need to see me cry. The strength isnt in if i feel the pain…its from not giving into it. If i dont go through with it ill be numb once again…because id rather give a blind eye to whats really goin on than care about it…i still feel that way…it doesnt feel like its over..i ripped off the bandaid i feel nothin yet though…but soon ill feel everything…and when that happens i usually change my mind so i pray for the strength to be different this time…to stand for what i know is right. Ive been dealing with this for 2 years now and people are gona ask why now…why am i leavin after his baby.. I dont know the answer to that but what im askin myself is why not before…its the first time i felt this way. Why didnt i leave him the first time he cheated or the first time he hit me…or the second time or third . why now? I guess when i feel done i cant go back. and i feel done…not with him but with his actions…im done with his actions and he aint changin so i gota let it go….i really hope i let it go. hes not happy and neither am i…its best for everyone..if he really loved me than he wouldnt do all the things he does. we are all better off this way…so im not going to make it work for the baby…because the baby needs to learn about real love…

well im alright with him being an asshole sometimes but he wont even do the most basic things he should do

ive been supporting him for 2 years as he watches me struggle and if he cared he would give me money when he gets it…he promises to but i never see it

he will come back when the money is gone

i think thats why i stayed with him for so long is that hes good at all the little things like holding me and smiling at me and helping with the girls and around the house and all the little things that made me fall in love with him…im gona miss that

i told him i was so tired of how he treats me sometimes and that i do want tot be with him forever and i would marry him one day but i said something needs to change though because im just done…but hitting me mixed with never helping out with money and the fact that i cant even trust him everr…i cant do it…and than the next day he said he would look for work and his mom phoned and said there was a job for a few days he said he would take that than look for work after..i knew when he left he was gona drink away his money…its just the way it always goes…i told him that…and of course he did…something isnt right about that…i cant let him walk to the store without wondering if he will come back…the sad thing is is that i can live with it and i would…i am happy with him when hes here and i dont even feel mad when he fucks up…but its not about how i feel about it…its about how i think he feels about me…if he loved me why would he do that…so thats why i made the descision i guess

the only thing i hope is that i will have the strength to stick with it this time…