Trying to find things to occupy my mind.

I had a major break down a whole 7 days ago today, this time last Friday I was literally begging and crying for the hospital to admit me to mental health and help me. (its 10:15pm here now).

in the end the mental health nurse gave me a valium in an envelope told me I needed to sleep and sent me on my merry way.

I had suffered with extreme anxiety attacks back to back for an entire day and well into the night, my body was exhausted and in severe pain from the muscle spasms, my mind was exhausted I was ready to give in, I just wanted to die at that point. And my body had gone into shock and was violently shaking like I was freezing cold when it was a nice warm night. yet I was still sent home to deal with it on my own.

I have taken on too much literally, I have so many people relying on me 24/7. My kids fight all of the time, and won’t do anything without it leading to someone having to have a nervous breakdown at them. My brother in law just will not leave and take his daughter with him. I am raising a 9 yr old who literally screams in your face when she can’t get her own way or gets told no, and she isn’t even my kid. I never gave birth to her, she doesn’t belong to my husband, why do I have to raise her while her father sponges around my house and doesn’t help do anything except run up the power water and food bills.

I supported 3 adults and 6 children for the past 5 weeks on a scabby $460 a week after rent came out. (Iam sick of paying over $500 for a stupid social housing house). Every 2nd night my 14 yr olds friend ran away from home and ended up here all cut up, and when the kids would fall asleep shed wake them up so she wouldn’t be lonely, and failing that shed have all the kids outside screaming the street down until after 10pm at night.

Now my 14 yr old is having anxiety attacks when she gets stressed out, because her friends spent her times here carrying on and telling everyone that my daughter hated her and wouldn’t let her sleep in the same bed as her or when she wanted to sleep. She ate all the food and just drove me up the wall.

I didn’t mind helping at first but the behaviours became too attention seeking for my liking. I have never known anyone to self harm and then sit there showing them off and bragging about how they do it all the time, and asking people to look at how the wounds kept bleeding when she’d deliberately make them start bleeding again.

I know that’s not how self harmers act, especially as I am forever going to be stereotyped as a self harmer, because I did used to cut myself and I never showed anyone or took myself to hospital. I hid my cuts and no one knew for months until I was caught cutting my legs and my mother had the ambulance and police take me from my mothers house and put me in hospital after I barricaded myself in my little sisters room with the wardrobe shoved up against the door so they couldn’t come in.

I still get the sensations of what it feels like to hurt myself, but I don’t let myself follow through with the feelings because the day that I do I know I will loose my 5 youngest kids. Self harming is not an option when I have my kids to think about.

ive done ok keeping a handle on things these past 7 days, today I felt myself slipping, but I know I can’t talk to my husband about it anymore because he is ready to pack up and leave with our 3 yr old if I don’t get a handle on my anxiety soon and he has to see me have another attack.

I don’t have any friends, we don’t have a car and even if we did I can’t trust myself to drive until I get on top of things. I get claustrophobic and panic when iam out in public…

life fucking sucks right now