Roller coaster Ride

Life is literally a roller coaster ride for me at the moment. I look forward to the moments in between where the way may be a little bumpy but I can see the positive’s that lay ahead. It’s the ups and downs in between that have the most impact at this moment, and riding them out is not always easy.

I used to love the surge of adrenaline, now it makes me jittery and anxious, with a strong need to either bawl my eyes out or just yell and scream to release the feeling.

I finally bawled my eyes out last night, explaining to my 14 yr old daughter about my own experiences into my teens before becoming and adult and changing my ways. I never wanted to have to tell my own children just yet that their mother was sexually abused until I was 10 yrs old, or that I was sexually abused by not 1 but 3 males I knew and grew up with and trusted (2 of which I was dating) . I told her about the men who’s children I went to school with and how they had waited until I was in my teens and early 20’s and wanted to try to hit on me even though they had seen me grow up. and how gross it made me feel and still to this day how yuck the thoughts and memories of that are.

I told her I had tried to end my own life at 13 and how by the time I was 18 was classified as a self harmer, because I couldn’t regulate my feelings and emotions, and needed to feel that release.

I need her to realise its ok to feel special, and to want to have a male/boy make her feel that way, but instead of looking for that attention from random strangers, who could potentially be dirty men grooming her and her friends, she needs to look for those things in someone more her age and most importantly someone she already knows, and experience them with someone who is new to those same feelings and experiences, just like her.

Navigating teenagers is bloody hard, but they have plenty of time to do all the things they want to do, and growing up fast isn’t fun for any of us. But that’s the beauty in it…