Healing Sucks. Its gunna be a long one

Now that all my kids and my husband’s niece who is now in my full time care and has been for the past 12 months are asleep, I can take some time to actually write without having to chase around and growl at 6 kids 14 yrs old and under…

My eldest Logan was 15 the last time I wrote anything, this week he will be 20, oh my god where has that time flown to?

To say aim proud of him is an understatement, he completed year 12 last year and this year he has been busy studying teaching at Sydney UNI. These Christmas Holidays he will be setting off for his first international flight to Japan with his friends, and he hopes to meet his father’s birth mother while over there. Once he finishes UNI he will be moving over to Japan to teach, which I am so glad he has found something that he loves, as much as it pains me that he will be moving out of Australia. I also know that he needs to find his place and live his life how he want’s to. Also traveling to Sri Lanka to meet his biological paternal grandmother and family (she is Malay/Filipino and his father was adopted at birth to a white Australian family) I hope that emerging himself in his own culture will help him find who he really is as a biracial Malay/Filipino and White/Australian Indigenous man who has grown up not feeling like he fit in with any of his peers.

Reach for the stars my handsome son, may all of your dreams and hopes come to fruition.

Peyton- well aside from her up and coming excursion to Japan that I am saving all my pennies for and she will be too very soon, has been approved for a position at one of our local McDonalds. She is extremely happy and impatiently waiting to find out when she starts her first shift.  She has 15q13.3 micro deletion and is behind others in her class at school academically, and has recently come out as being bisexual which ham very proud of and fought with everyone including our own family members that ridiculed her for her choices, and went against her cousin who was threatening to end her life because she wasn’t dating only boys. (her first relationship was with a girl shed been in primary school with, her 2nd was with a trans boy who’s femme name is Sabrina) Now she is happily single, and trying to find where she fits in with her friend groups. My advice to her is to not worry about things as much as she has been, and follow in her big brothers footsteps and focus on work and school because the rest will come when the time is right.

Tiana- my beautiful crazy miniature version of myself, oh god this girl gives a younger me a run for my money some days. She went missing for 4 hours from school a couple of weeks ago, and had the school not called me it wouldn’t have been so bad. We had everyone out looking for her, including the police, only for her and her group of friends to sneak back into the school through a hole in the fence after hanging out in the bushes in the oval at the back of the high school (apparently), 4 boys and 3 girls smoking marajuana and vaping. So is most definitely grounded, although she swore that she wasn’t doing drugs with them, but wants to try it, and had said she was vaping. She had been jumped a few weeks ago by another girl on the way home from school for hitting her ex boyfriend in the back of the head when she was hyped up. She had inattentive add and doesn’t always know when to quit while she is ahead. She was too scared to fight back because she didn’t want to get suspended even though the girl had punched her multiple times in the back of the head. So have invested in some boxing gear and plan on teaching my girls to stand up and defend themselves. Because this isn’t going to be the last time they will be in this situation in their lives, and I want them to be more confident in themselves to be able to defend themselves when needed.

William- he is 11 yrs old now, and suspended from the public school bus so am waiting for him to be given a spot on the Assisted student transport bus for his school. I hope they do something soon as he’s almost been home for 2 months and unable to get to school every day. Its exhausting never getting a break, especially when his reason for getting banned was a bunch of kids in mainstream classes at his school bullying him daily for being in a support class and having autism, and after being hit and bruised and scratched on his face by the other kids he stood up to them and attacked them all. The other kids were short suspensions, and he however got a 12 month suspension from all public transport from transport NSW until he gets better. Unfortunately he’s never going to fully get better because he has ASD2, combined ADHD/ADD/ODD, Sensory Processing Disorder and mild Conduct Disorder and is heavily medicated so he can manage getting through each day without harming himself or others.

Cody- my youngest son is now 9, and recently started the assessments for ADHD, so far it looks as though he may have inattentive ADHD, and he has also scored high for Depression (which explains why he is always crying and anxious when he is safe and is always looking lost and threatening to hurt himself) I never thought the abuse the kids grew up with would end up affecting them like it has, especially Cody as he was so young when we left the abuse of his father. But obviously it has affected him more than I ever imagined. So now we have to heal him and the others.

My baby princess miss Indiana- I swore I was done with kids especially as I was 37 but when I met her father I never imagined when we spoke about our plans for the future that I would fall pregnant straight away, it was supposed to happen after we had been together for a couple of years and were married. But within a month of deciding to be together we found out I was pregnant. I had her 3 weeks after her fathers birthday in 2021, then 12 months later after spending every spare cent on our wedding we got married. It was a whirlwind 2 years but worth every minute. And although she is spoiled rotten and a very high demand little girl. She brings so much laughter and light into all of our lives, but she can be the devils spawn when she really gets going too..

 

My new partner and husband his name is Robert, just like my ex. We really shouldn’t have ended up together but for some reason we just worked, although lately I question if I made the right choice. for the past 9 months our marriage and relationship is barely hanging by a thread.

He shows a lot of red flags where he never did before, the only thing that has changed from when we met in 2020 to 9 months ago is his twin brother was kicked out of his house and my husband invited him to come live with us for 3 weeks until he moved to live with their cousin.

Needless to say his twin still hasn’t moved out and is the laziest, ignorant and ungrateful person I have ever met in my life.

I do all the housework and yard work, I raise his 9 yr old daughter (who isn’t my child, but has been signed into my full care since June 2022) I do all of the food shopping and struggle to pay all the bills. Unless my brother in law is paid he won’t lift a finger.

I confront my husband and I am yelled and screamed at, if I confront my brother in law he yells and screams at me.

I have kicked them both out multiple times, but my husband won’t go unless I willingly let him take our daughter, he says its unfair if I keep her because I have 4 other kids and she is his only child.And if I don’t let him have her, then he will take her and I will never see her again because Sam selfish.

8 months ago after we moved the threats started, and so did my severe anxiety attacks. I know that this situation is what my problem is, especially when I have back to back attacks the moment my husband starts raising his voice at me and threatening to hit any of the kids. He doesn’t see it as a problem or as abusive, and I’ve had councillors and psychologists say its normal and is only miscommunication. especially as he has never been abusive and we had never fought at all until 8 months ago.

I want a break from everything, yet if I do who will look after the kids, Iam now petrified of driving the car and haven’t been able to drive myself anywhere without shaking and crying since January this year.

I literally have no real friends, no one comes anywhere near me or my house including family when I reach out to try and socialise which doesn’t help at all. So I have been applying for jobs left right and centre and finally have an interview this week.

I need to get out of the house a couple of hours a week, and I need to meet people.

I tried starting my photography business, but it’s oversaturated with photographers here in a town with over 60k people living in it, every 2nd person is doing photography. So it makes it extremely hard to find clients, but I doo need to try to get it up and going as soon as I am able to drive myself around again.

I have also been diagnosed as having adult Torticollis which if I over do things I am left bed bound with chronic pain in my neck, and this has only been an issue since I had shoulder reconstruction surgery and a prolapsed disc in my spine from slipping over on my kitchen floor back in 2022.

I still manage to push forward every day even when Sam struggling and don’t feel normal.

This is such a long entry, a but I did need to get all of that off my chest because it has been weighing me down with no one to talk with.