Letter #1

Dear Mike,

            I really wish you would get off of your high horse.  I try to talk to you about things that I would like to do, hobbies or books that I would like to read, and you start in about yourself.  Like this morning, I was telling you about finding a hobby or trying to accomplish a project or something, and moments later you started in about you and how great you are at this and that and about all the things you would like to accomplish.  I sat and listed most the way to Ft Scott.  Well, I cant say I listened, half of the time I sat there thinking about how mad I was that you do this to me often.  Sometimes I want to interrupt and ask "Hey,do you remember what I was talking about 10 minutes ago?"  It always about you.  Even when you do something nice for me, you go on about how great of a husband you are "Ah, who is an awesome husband?’  Yea I get it.  maybe I dont praise you enough, maybe I dont tell you how happy I am enough, but even when you talk to other people about me, its always jokingly.  You dont say anything nice about me either.  Yea, you keep my ID and stuff because I am  scatter brained. I am ok with that.  But then you pull my ID out of your wallet and you laugh "oh, I have to keep everything for her because she cant keep track of anything."  Its somewhat true, but it telling a total stranger that really necessary?

    Obiously, you think I am a woman with the strength and confidence enough to be fine with this behavoir.  But the truth is, this part of you is really starting to wear me down.  I am starting to doubt myself often, and am worrying more about my weight than I ever have before.  Hell out of habbit today in the doctors office when the nurse asked me "what kind of birth control do you want to start?" I immediatly turned to you and asked "How about the shot?"  What the hell am I doing asking you about my choice of birth control.  Like when Gwen was born just 6 weeks ago, you talked about how great you are with kids to the nurse as she was cleaning the bloody bed pads just an hour or so after I gave birth.  Really?  How apropriate is that?

Some people would say that you have self esteem issues and you are trying to make up for it.  I am not sure if that is completely true, because you have so many people that always come to you for help and advice and make friends where ever you go.  I keep trying to tell myself that I am not having a manic episode and that its you with the problem and not me. I know I have problems with rationalizing my thought, that is why I hold back so much.  Then when I do tell you what I am thinking, you find ways to push all the blame on me or you cave in completely and walk away yelling "yea, whatever, you are right, you are always right instead of talking about the issue.

Well I am ready to go home and eat whatever it is you made from dinner.  I am sure it will turn out great.