05/25/2012

Well, this blows, my lap top is busted, and I am probably not going to get it fixed anytime soon, so I am stuck sharing the same computer as the husband. Risky? Defiantly. But what’s the worse that can happen. What is he going to do? Find this and turn everything around on me? Hahahahahahaha….

So anyways, my doctor gave the "green flag" for sex about a month ago at my 6 week postpartum check up. I was not interested. I kept thinking about how he blew me off all those times that I just wanted 5 minutes of his time. What’s bad is I don’t even have the urge, but I am sure that is due to the baby hormones and my under active thyroid. I thought about talking to him about it for a few days, then I figured screw it, I will just use the snipping tool and cut and paste some excerpts from this diary and showed him. So that I did, and he never said anything about it. A few days later I asked what he thought of it…. and first he said we already discussed it, then went on about my faults.

I don’t know how much longer I can do this. He never says anything nice about me. Oh I take that back, the patch of overgrown pasture that I flattened with my feet and a 2×4 he said looked real good. And he jokes and teases me about stuff in front of the kids, and takes no consideration that our 5 year old daughter is in the room and is listening, or that our boys don’t need to learn how to talk to females like that. It just gets go boring and repetitive after so many years.

But I have thought about something. This is how things seem to work. If I ask him "Do you have anything to say to me, or anything you feel like telling me?" he will tell me "No." Okay, so if I go on and explain what is bothering me, all of a sudden, he has plenty to say to me, about me… not him. So what am I suppose to do? Isn’t that considered turning things around on me, if I gave him the opportunity to talk about his issues with me first? I don’t see the point in talking to him anymore, because it is just counterproductive and ends up with both of us pissed off. I don’t want to argue with him, but that’s what it turns into every time. I know I have faults, but he attacks me every time I open up and I cant get out what I need to say, or I shut down because he gets so defensive and goes off about things.

So I guess I am doing everyone a favor if I just pretend to be happy.