Wow, this got long when I wasn’t looking…

I swear my brain has been from one end of the spectrum to the other…
This distance thing is hard in and of itself…The not knowing thing is hard, in and of itself…Put them together…*sighs* *shakes head* Add in my usual own filled with doubtfulness…You get a mess of a mind, that’s what you get.

Wasil hasn’t done anything to make me question, yet occasionally I can’t seem but to help it. Heck, even after some good quality time (as good as one can via the internet) my stupid brain wandered to thoughts of ‘This happened before, will it happen again.’ Which…*shakes head* I need to remember the other involved in the before was a childish, immature, *insert other such adjectives here*…Wasil isn’t like that…Well, not completely. It’s not the same kind of thing. None of it is…Which I know…*pokes at brain* Now you! Listen up! THINK! It is your bloody job after all. Stupid thing.

*shakes head* *laughs* Wasil watched me cook dinner last night. I managed to catch him online early, and I was reluctant to let go and say ‘Hey I got to go cook dinner’…So I just took the laptop into the kitchen (Where Sonja proceeded to ask me if I was going to fry it like the other three…I love her, I really do. *stuffs her in a closet* Hey, she likes it there! *laughs*)…So yeah, he watched me cook, watched Sonja run around the kitchen like the little insane thing that she is. She kept holding things up in front of the webcam…& he held some things up too. *laughs* At one point Wasil has a little Piglet hand puppet, it was so cute. Sonja dragged her giant stuffed purple dragon out of hiding.

It amazes me the difference in how Sonja acts towards Wasil, and how she acted towards Todd. I wish she would of told me before that Todd bothered her. She’s like me I think…She gets these ‘vibes’ off people…& if she’s like me any further than that, those vibes are pretty predictable in one way or another. Thing is, they seem to only work for everyone else, not when you are looking at someone for yourself.  BUT…ANYWAY…*laughs* She seems really okay with Wasil…Heck THEY have so much in common…I think they are going to drive me utterly and completely mental when they are in the same place. *laughs* 

Walkies with Libby will, baring weather going insane on us, resume Friday. Which is good…I have some ranting to do. I need to bitch and scream & rant about Michelle. I know I’ve done some of that here…But I think I need a full out, out loud rantfest. I’ve spitted and sputtered a bit to Reese & James, but not a lot, I tend to hold back. Libby on the other hand will just stand there…Or rather walk there…And listen to whatever needs to come out. [& in something I know is completely childish…She needs to quit buying my Waz on MySpace! He’s MINE! MINE! MINE! and she just needs to back the fuck off. A bit of an explanation for those who may be confused by that bit of ramble. On MySpace they have this thing where you can buy your friends & make the your pets. She had him as her pet prior…When I wasn’t involved in the whole buy your friends thing…Well then Wasil bought me…I kept going and logging in to get log in bonus money, and flipping through pets to earn money that way so I could finally buy him too…Which took forever as he came with a pretty price tag. ANYWAY…After Psycho got back from her uninvited visit, she bought him back from me…I’ve had to buy him back twice now since she pulled her little stunt. & I know it’s ‘no big deal’…It just irrates me…She is suppose to be trying to get over him…If she really is, she doesn’t need to be buying him, especially from me.]

Anyway…*frowns* I am not a happy about another thing too…I am relieved to find that Sonja/Fern of Cat Clan’s Tilted Tree Letterbox is still in place (which I had no real doubt of, as only a Letterboxer is going to find it, and even some of those have trouble locating it)…On the other side of things…The Cedar River Letterbox, the first one we planted, is GONE! & with the way that the tree area is messed up, I’m not sure I can even replace it, if I can manage to get the stamp redone. *sigh* What really sucks is it was there just a little while ago!
On a happier note…Someone was down at Penny Bridge having some family time, well a family was, and the boy of the family stumbled across the Letterbox we have planted there…Since then they have gone on to hunt for more boxes. *grins*  One of the parents sent me an e-mail thanking me for planting the box! *laughs* It’s one of those, ‘Hey, this is something we can do as a family, and it doesn’t cost and arm & a leg!’ So yeah…Inexpensive family fun in a time when everything costs so much…Tis always a plus. I got to see about planting the one at the Fine Arts Building at NMC…Maybe I’ll do something towards that today while I’m waiting for Melissa to get to class…

*pokes at The Big Bang Theory* 
There was a new eppie out, so Wasil sent me a link so we could watch it…& it was kind of one of those ‘hitting close to home’ moments.
In in Leonard and Penny are all cozy together, then Leonard tells Penny "I love you." She looks at him stunned for a moment, and then says "Thanks." Not the kind of response anyone wants in that situation. I think by the end of the episode they were broke up…It wasn’t real clear, but it seemed quite implied.
Not something of encouragement when one is feeling how I am. Maybe that is part of the reason for my brains current disorder.
I know what my heart feels, and it’s all twisted in knots…& I want to tell Wasil how I feel…But I don’t want to be Leonard. [Heck, him & Penny were a legitimate couple too…I don’t even know what Wasil and I are! & Yesh, I am fully aware it’s only a TV show, but doesn’t stop such thoughts from wandering around…& not like my track record has been overly great.]

On the note of the not overly great track record…Goes back to the previously mentioned at the beginning of this entry…The other mentioned there…We’d played a little, nothing like me & Wasil  [Yeah…Potentially TMI..but it’s not like I’m putting in details!]…& I had feelings for him…I think not because I should of, but because he gave me the attention I wasn’t getting where I should of been…& the words ‘I love you’ had been muttered, on both sides…But it was never suppose to be that kind of love…& it wasn’t, not really…Just the whole physically connection once it was established did a number on my brain…*frowns*…I am a physical being, I know that, and it just made a mess of things, when things that probably shouldn’t of happened happened.
…I know the present situation is completely different. But there are still those…Lingering elements between the two? *shrugs* 
I know bloody well that there is going to be a physical connection formed once we are together…& I’m already feeling the way I’m feeling…Which in all likelihood will just intensify with said physical connection. *beats head on desk* 

I am his

& he is mine…& I still am not sure what that means. Still don’t know how he feels…& am still too afraid to say how I feel…Or ask him how he feels…

*Something without a Title*
Words fail me
And I don’t know
Should I tell you?
I fear your reaction
Letting you know
I want to say it.
Like I know I should.
Only fear quiets me
Vexes my intentions
Every time I try
You deserve the words
Open and free
Unless…You don’t feel the same for me.