Tomorrow is Halloween…Yay for tomorrow

Fixed last night/yesterday’s disappointment…For the most part. [Would be fine, if I didn’t have a bad habit of, on occasion, thinking too much as well.] *sigh* Truth is…Yeah, it hurts…Mostly because now I’m presented with the fact that there is a part of someone’s life, that I care a great deal about, that I’m not allowed to be a part of (though said person is a part of every aspect of my life). So yeah…It stings. Tis reality though… [Side note: I’m feeling much better about this now…So yeah…like I said…No big deal.]

Had a MySpace…for maybe 24 hours…Mostly to see some pictures of some tattoos…Aaron’s from the multi-person conversation from the other night. I still feel a bit bad that I kind of off-loaded on him last night…He said it was okay though…*shrugs* Hope I didn’t bother him too much…I don’t want to be a bother to anyone.

I got pictures of the Critters and me in costume…And on PhotoBucket…Now if I can’t get Photobucket to cooperate so I can post them…That’s another story all together. Aside from them, I was going to put their school pictures on there…But my connection decided to become it’s weak self, and not allow it…So maybe…If I can get the idiotic thing to load tonight, I can put them up there, and show off pictures.

I’m feeling…Quite empty inside today…*sigh* Like there is nothing…I am a hallow shell…I’m sure I’ll get over it…I always do…
I just wish…*sigh*…I want someone to hold me…*has image in mind* *shakes head* Really must stop that…It’s just that all the most recent things…The most recent good things…The ones worth remebering…*sigh* I’ve dealt with the emotional feelings…The troublesome ones…They aren’t there bothering me…It’s the other things now…The physical emotions (if that makes any sense), that are there…Reminding me of the things I don’t have, and want so much.    [Again…I’m feeling better than I did when I wrote this this morning.]

I cry…I can’t do anything to help the feelings…To ease the feelings…I cry…

And as much as I want to feel wanted again…The options I have, are not options. It’s…Odd. A year ago…It wouldn’t of mattered…I wouldn’t care…I’d just do it, get it over with…But now…Even the thought of thinking about being with Mike I find distrubing.

Raya scolded me this afternoon…*pouts* Why? Becuase I have a negative outlook about ever getting married again. It’s not that I wouldn’t eventually like someone to keep…But even then, I don’t know if I’d be willing to go through the whole marriage thing again…It would have to be someone incredibly specail to even get me to think about it again. I’ve done the marriage thing…Nearly 9 1/2 years of it at this point…And it’s not working well…Hasn’t been working well for more than half of it really. So, I’m understandably so, a little put off by the thought.
And I know I go between wanting someone to love me properly, and someone to just pretend. Okay…Ideally…Yeah, I’d find someone who’d love me like I deserve to be loved…And I’d love them in return…And there would be happy sunsets and rainbows, and butterflies and what-not. On the other hand…I can be quite content, even for a little while, with someone whom I know I couldn’t have forever.
It’s like I said about someone not too long ago…I knew there was no future in it…We were both too diffrent to make anything lasting…Yet, I would of been happily content in whatever was there for as long as I could have it. I’m not wanting to be tied down forever again just yet.   [*hugs Raya* I know, you just want me to have someone who’ll take care of me right, and love me like I deserve to be loved. That’s why you is my Sister…Cuz you loves me. *smiles* *more hugs*]

Sonja has been working on her homework…Which wasn’t even real homework…It was work she was suppose to have done in school. She started it after I brought her home from school…So it was before 4. She took a break at dinner time to eat…And here we are quarter after 8…And she’s still not done. Why? Because she’s not just sitting down and doing it…She’s doing anything else she can not to do it. We ended up shutting off the t.v. around 6:30…The silence is nearly deafening…I’m so not use to it.  [She got done 9 minutes to 9.]

I’ve got most of a Raven entry written…Not sure I’m going to go with if fully where I had intended to do to begin with.

Man…I’m feeling incredibly tired all of a sudden. Guess it’s from laying on the couch, in near quiet, and the warmth of the heating pad probably is helping lull me into the safe warm world of slumber. It’s not even that late! *is going to blame the time change* *nods* Yeppers, it’s the time changes fault…Even though that would only make it nearly 9:30 still, instead of nearly 8:30…But as I have some things that need taken care of tonight…I need to stay up…I know sound would be of a great help…And would perhaps drive the evil song from my head, which has chosen just now to invade it. [Hinder’s Lips of an Angel…Which played on the way home last night…And I was going back and forth between am I going to end up crying or not crying over this song…And if I DO end up crying over it, and the oblivious manages to take notice…How do I explain the reason why? Luckily, all my eyes did were water up a bit…So I didn’t have to worry about coming up with a lame arse excuse.]

Well…Harley says he wants chocolate cake with chocolate frosting for his birthday…And cupcakes to take in for his class. We know the one thing he wanted on Sonja’s birthday is only $10…So I should be able to pick it up for him…So he’ll have that at least…Might have to get a couple things from the dollar store…Just so he has something to unwrap. We’ll figure it out…Still have 10 days. O.o Eeps!

That rates right up there with the sign in Wal-Marts Friday saying ’66 days of shopping left til Christimas’ O.o *falls over* Not enough time…Not enough money…Not enough anything…
Though I think I came up with a partial thought that might work…I’ve got to talk to Mum about it yet…Get 5 presents for each Critter that’s suppose to be from Santa…Then one a piece from each person in the house…Stuff stockings with Dollar Store stuff…It’ll be a cut down on presents…and we’ll probably have to keep them between $10-$20…So nothing major or extravagant…But it’ll be something.

Wrote this earlier…It’s nothing really…Just a bunch of rambling thoughts, I think…
I don’t want to feel…I just want to be. Make me forget the word around me, if only for a little while. Come to me…Hold me close, whisper words that will make me feel alive, feel wanted…Tell me lies, if that’s what it takes, to make me feel whole, if only for that moment. Look at me, let me see the hunger in your eyes, that are reflected in mine. Let me know you want me, before you even touch me. Kiss me, let me taste those lips, that will sate my own lonely hunger. Touch me, caress me, love me without loving me. I don’t need the emotions, I just need a friend. Remind me I’m living flesh, not just a cold empty shell.

Well let’s see if the whole pictu

re thing is going to work…