Stunted Growth & One Week. Or is that Week One?

Stunted Growth

Those who know me, know my ‘real age’…They also know I seldom ‘act’ this age. I’ve also wondered if there is some other reason for this, other than just not wanting to grow up. Yes, I do, when it’s what the occasion calls for, rise to said occasion, and play the part of responsible adult. But, when left to my own devices…I’d rather just play the part of…Well whatever it is I seem to be.

At 16 I lost Dominic, and had to be mature about it. Though I was still a child myself. Prior to that, I’d undergone other trauma, which I believe had an impact on things as well. It’s like I’m still stuck in this space of age…I still have this ‘teen’ mentality. I haven’t grown, or allowed myself to grow from beyond this place. I guess. *shrugs* And granted, it keeps me feeling young…Yet…There are some aspects of such youth that are more troublesome than anything else. Meaning…I can’t deal with some things the way someone my age should.

My emotions run deeper than perhaps they should on occasion, and it’s harder for me to rationalize how they should be. It’s hard for me to let go, even when common sense dictates I should. It’s hard to just ‘let go’, even when I know it’s the one thing I need to do. Even when I may look like I’m attempting to do so…I’m always thinking, and plotting in the back of my mind. Thinking how things ‘really’ are…How things are ‘really’ going to turn out. Instead of facing reality, facing how things are…I put all my hope and faith into what I want to be true, instead of facing how things really are.

I’m not sure what to do to change this. I’m not sure what to do to learn to better deal with my emotions. I do know that it has cost me dearly, and I hope, if nothing else, I can learn from that experience.

[The thoughts I had here, when it came to mind, were much better, I’m sure. As I thought of it while away from keyboard, I was unable to capture the essence that I wanted.] What I’m really wondering is, does this make sense? Is it possible, that due to the events in my life, those that ‘stole’ my innocence and childhood, that I am stuck in that age? Am I having difficulty moving past how old I was, when these things occurred, somehow wishing to stay there until I fix it? Can it be fixed? Can I be fixed?

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The scratches are mostly healed. There should be no reminder when they are done…It was like being got by a cat, simple as that. It’s the wound caused by Death’s sickle that will take far longer to heal. I know it’s not the end of the world…But it does seem to be the end of an Era. One that brought me great joy and happiness. One that will truly be missed. My heart still aches…As it always will. And I will always remember, as one does not forget things such as this.

For at least one brief period in my time I had the opportunity to be with someone whom I felt 100% safe and comfortable with. It showed me what it felt to feel like that. I can only hope that I can find such again, sometime…Though I can’t help but doubt that it’ll ever be like that again. It was the first time I gave of myself so freely, not wondering and worrying of the motives on behalf of the other side. It’s not in be to be as such in most circumstances, let alone circumstances as such that I speak.

It’s…*sigh*…Been a week.
I feel of two minds…two hearts…dare I say two souls?
There is the side that wants to do nothing more than crumble to dust. Insist that the world has come to an end…Like I told him it always would, if I ever lost him. Though I never thought it would be like this…I feared his death…Not his leaving. [I still fear his death…Only because I know, deep inside, despite whether he shows it to the world of not, he is a wonderful and unique young man, capable of great love…If he’d only give himself the chance to feel once more.] It’s this side that, as I write this, aches unbelievable in the area of my heart…That causes the tears to spring to my eyes. It is this part that feels utterly crushed.
Then…There is the side that knows this is out of my control. Tells the other side to breath, acknowledge the pain, then let it go….breathe it out. I ache, yes. I will ache for a while. But…I will somehow find the strength to survive and pull through…Simply because, I have no other choice. I would like another chance to fix what went wrong…Yet, this side…It holds no hope out for such. Acknowledging that thought causes my heart to drop, but I have to try to the best of my ability to accept such things. And if somehow, I am graced with another chance…Then I will be grateful.

Iroh vs. Azula

Iroh Video

Too Bad (Iroh Edition)
[Comment someone made: Iroh is the best, he is a wise old man, but he also represents the person who has lost everything and moves forward. Zuko thinks he has it bad, Iroh was going to be Firelord, he lost his son, he is a traitor to his own country, and now Zuko turns his back on him.
I’m hoping, that somehow, I can find an inner strength like Iroh’s…And just keep moving on.]

So…there is the video portion of the entry for the evening. [I was suppose to do Katara…But…Come on, it’s Iroh!  *hugs Iroh* I found some with actual music this time.