Some odds and ends…and what not

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I feel empty inside. Like I’m missing something once more. Hallow…Lonely…Alone. I just have to adjust once more…I know that’s all it is. But it’s hard…Harder to adjust to this than it was to feeling once more. I know I can’t keep living like this though…It’s not good for me. It’s slowly destroying me…Tearing me apart inside. I felt what it was like to live again. It was wonderful. I had forgotten…How can someone forget? But I suppose…If you live without it long enough…Without feeling…It’s easy to forget.

I want…Someone who can love me…Someone who will love me. Hell…I’d settle for someone who is just willing to pretend. *ducks inevitable swat from Raya* Though I’m sure I deserve the swat. I don’t think I’m ever going to find my Sirius…I’m just not meant to be with him…Whoever he is.

I mean, lets be honest…Where am I going to meet him? Where am I going to meet anyone? I hide at home…Hide on my computer. I go out only to do the needed shopping…or the occasional bit of fun shopping. I see guys who are pleasant to the eye…Yet I know I’d never have the nerve to approach them…And if I did…*sigh*…Well, there is no if…I just don’t have it in me to do it.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006 Early morning…it’s slightly after midnight.

Not feeling so empty…It’s amazing what something simple will do. Still…I know it’s only a temporary fix. Still…it’s nice…nice to know that the hole isn’t forever.

It’s 12:30 now…And I’m alone again. Everyone has gone to bed. I should be going to bed. I will…soon. Prior to midnight…prior to 11:00 PM…Messenger wouldn’t come on. I felt like my contact to the outside world had been cut off. It was…for lack of a better word…AWFUL. I felt so alone…so lost…Even though I’m never really alone. I have my friends…even when we aren’t in constant contact. But I’ve grown use to talking to them on a daily/nightly basis.

Talking to Raya…I told her I was feeling weak. Not in such words…I told her I was thinking of doing something that I knew was a mistake. Not that I wanted to, not really…It’s just…the thought WAS there. Told her I was thinking of just giving up…Throwing away myself…Giving in to Mike. I hate that thought…I hate it with all that I am. Hate the fact that I would even think about it. I don’t want to be with him…I don’t love him…I hate what he’s done to me in the past. I know he’d just do it again…That’s how he is. He feeds off people…He’s a master manipulator.
Years ago…When I was still in high school…I was 16, pregnant, scared…I though Mike was the world…Yet he didn’t want me…not to keep. I was simply a toy to him. I know that now. He had his girlfriends…and me on the side. A friend of ours…Scott…Asked Mike if he could ask me out (I didn’t find this out until years later). Mike told him no, for the simple fact that he thought I’d say yes to Scott. Another friend of ours…Bill…Asked Mike if he could ask me out. Mike told him yes, for the simple fact that he thought I’d tell Bill no. I didn’t. Somewhere in the early days of mine and Bill’s relationship, my mind still lost and confused, Mike lured me to him…He had a power over me. It was hard to resist anything he asked…And I didn’t. I ended up crying afterwards…He asked me if it was really so bad being with him. I hated myself for betraying Bill. The next time Mike wanted what he wanted…I did try to stand up to him. Tell him I didn’t want to continue like we had been. But I’d already made my mistake…And he reminded me of it. Told me if I didn’t do what he wanted me to do…He’d tell Bill about the other time. I was young, and naive, confused…I didn’t know whether I was coming or going, and Mike feed off that, preyed on me because he knew he could…And I let him…I did what he required of me…Which I know only made things worse in the long run. *shakes head* Mike is the last thing I need…I can destroy myself well enough on my own…I don’t need to let him destroy me again.

Raya is right…I’m stronger than I realize. I took back the power I gave Mike over me. His look…His touch…I won’t fall victim to it again. I know I would never have what I want with him. Any comfort I’d find with him would be a cold comfort…Not a real comfort…One of only familiarity…Not reality…Not a true comfort.

Tis ten to one…Raya went to sleep…She has classes tomorrow…Grimmie went…Where ever it is he goes…Not to sleep…Not yet…Tis only nearly ten there. Harley has come seeking me out…Though he’s not really awake. *smiles* He’s so cute when he’s sleeping. *resists the urge to poke at him* *laughs* I do believe I will be headed off to bed now. I’m sure with the way I’ve been writing during the day…I’ll have plenty of more to add to this. Though…I do have books to read…Including two new books I got from my saving of change that came yesterday.

***************Good night, see you in the morning light.***************

Kept Sonja home from school, as she was still slightly feverish this morning…Should of sent her to school…She’s fine. *pokes at her with a stick* You’re doing the homework brother brings home for you, and you’re going to school tomorrow! *sticks out tongue at child* She just reminded me that her birthday is four days. *sigh* Tis going to be a sad little day I think…She keeps saying all she needs is the Angel Food Cupcakes, topped with Mint Milanos. *rolls eyes in Grimmie’s general direction* Still…want to get her something…I know she said me taking her to see Pirates was her birthday present…but still. She got a card from her Grandpa Kitson in Washington (my supposed father figure. *rolls eyes*). He sent her $20. She also got a card from the Toys ‘R’ Us birthday club, it came with a coupon to take in there on or near her birthday for ‘something specail’. *shrug* Haven’t a clue…and a card for $3.00 off any $3.00 or more purchase (It was only a dollar last year).

On the state of my emotional well-being…I’m doing quite fine…The same contentment (perhaps not quite the right word…but I’m not sure what I want instead) that I had the other day has settled back over me again.

I didn’t get to finding my notebook with my writing exercise yesterday…Going to try and do that again today. Plus I’m going to actually get some reading done. I want to read some more on Dragons of the Dwarven Depths…After all, despite some flaws here and there…It still feels a lot like home. I also have a book on Halloween lore, magick, etc. that I want to take a look through…as well as one on Shamanic Witchcraft.

Well…I’m off to check on Online stuff…and then hopefully to reading…reading…and more reading…Though I fear my time will slip through my fingers.

Oh yes…as specail service announcement, while I’m thinking about it: September 19 is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. So I expect all ye to oblige.

Got a phone call about two o’clock. From the school. *headdesk* It was Harley’s teacher, wanting to tell me that during playtime, while she and her teacher’s aide were watching 24 kids, Harley slipped out the back door…Played on the playground…then came in the front door…Where someone from the office seen him, and prompt

ly returned him to his class.

I’m thinking about doing some work on my diary…Feeling like I’m needing something new…Or something old…Or something diffrent…Or…Just something. *laughs*

7:21 PM *is on phone with Mike* *rolls eyes* Gods…does he realize how bloody boring he is to talk to?

Anyway…Tis nearly ten now…I had thought of a name…but I’m rethinking it…I’m not sure…I need a new direction, I know.
I also know I want happiness…And I need to change my situation for that to occur…Still…beyond that…I don’t know.
I guess we’ll just see how things go from here…

Oh yeah…can’t forget this…

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