Ride the rollarcoaster

Somewhere around 1:30-1:45 AM
I do things I shouldn’t do, they made me cold, they make me sick. *sigh*
I feel empty and hallow again…Not that I was feeling full and whole…*shakes head*
I had hope…Some tiny seed of hope…That someone was listening…That my words were still getting through.
*watches as that hope shatters, like a crystal goblet, as it falls upon the tiled floor*
The shards are sharp and pointed…
I’ve lost a part of myself…
So many times I’ve been told certain things…And somewhere deep inside I believed them.
Yet some of those things I’ve been told…The ones I believed whole heartedly, without even the slightest second guessing…They’ve turned out not to be so true after all…How am I suppose to keep my faith in the rest of it?
Currently I am utterly alone…It’s nearing two in the morning…Everyone, online and off, have crawled into their nice warm beds. Harley has gone in with grandma…
I lay on the futon, laptop balanced on my lap, becoming quickly overwhelmed with my thoughts, my cheeks and neck sticky where the tears have slid down, and, for the moment, have paused. Though I suspect when I give up, give into sleep, or the attempt of it, they will flow again.

Truth of the matter…I’m terrible when I don’t get my way.
Truth of the matter…I’m quite a jealous being.
Truth of the matter…Once I have something/someone…I don’t like letting go.
Truth of the matter…I’d happily destroy everything in my way, if I thought, it would do me an ounce of good.
Truth of the matter…I’d happily destroy myself if I thought it would do me any good.
Truth of the matter…I don’t like myself much at all at such times…I don’t know how I can expect anyone else to like me either.

Yeah, yeah…You all love me…I know, I know. [And despite how callous that sounds…It does mean the world to me. Tis just my state of mind that makes it like it is currently.]

I thought…I was…I don’t know what I thought.

I’m good at mistakes…Tis the one thing I really am good at.

I’ve lost two people from my life in as many days…And I’m not altogether sure it’s not more or less three.

I’ve been told several times that I’m stronger than I think I am…Well, I may very well be. But I also know that I need those very important, very special people in my life to help remind me of that.

I want to say things…Ask hurtful questions…Well, questions that would be hurtful if 1) One cared, and 2) If one was capable of such things. Doesn’t matter though…As the hope I held…Like I said…It’s…Gone.

Tis nearly, scratch that, is 10 after 2. This isn’t helping like I had hoped it would. Currently…I’m just so empty…So much so that I don’t even care…Though I must care about something, as I can feel the eyes starting to leak again. I feel like…I’m being punished because I hit a low point…Something I tend to do when I’m physically ill. I just needed some extra…Something. My nerves were more on edge…I took everything the wrong way…And it cost me dearly.

Gods…I so know better…I know it won’t do me any good…That it’ll sicken me if I were to do it…That I’d disappoint the one person I have left that I know cares THAT much…It’s pointless, and worthless, and self-destructive. [Maybe that’s the appeal…A physical sign of the self-destructiveness I feel inside…] I won’t do it though…Not again…I hated not having the answers when the little one asked…He was worried about me/for me…Wanted to kiss them better… I should of known the night before…When I did it…And there was no reaction…Or maybe…That’s why things went the way they did…Because I did do it. Great…Just the thought I needed…

*sigh* I’d wish…But I’m afraid now that my wishes land on deaf ears. I thought…I was so foolish with that thought. That…*sigh* Guess it doesn’t matter…

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Close to being 9:18…Or something…
I’m awake…As an extra annoyance is home. *glares* And per usual is disrupting what passes for a schedule for me. Blah.

Anyway…Harey has a Dr. Appt. tomorrow @ 10:15 AM. He’s missed all but one day of school this week. *sigh* I don’t mind having him home, he’s easy to deal with usually…I just hate that he’s missing so much school…So he’ll have a lot of work to catch up on. *sigh* Found out this morning that Sonja didn’t do her homework Tuesday night, like she had told me she did…And she even had an extra day to do it in. So hopefully…She managed to do it on the bus on the way to school today.

Part of me wants to withdraw from…Well everything I have left. I just, at some level, don’t care anymore. [Luckily, the other part of me knows better than this.] I’m sure everyone is sick of my lamenting on about my feelings/thoughts/emotions [Okay, know better about that one too…Or you’d all just stop reading…But *shakes head* yeah…] And I just…Want to write/Need to write…But my thoughts…They refuse to focus…They refuse to do anything. [Yeah, I know, I’ve got some out…One I forced out…And the second I has to write after coming up with the first one. Excuses…I know it’s in there…Somewhere…I just don’t seem to have the drive to look for it.]

Blah. *waves the whole thing off* I’ll come back later (as I always do), hopefully with something a bit more uplifting…If not…I’m sure I’ll have more Avatar Videos. [Though those you probably are all sick of…It’s keeping me entertained. *shrugs*]

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I slept off and on this afternoon…Had two dreams that I remeber vague bits of.

The second one I was getting ready to catch a mouse in my grandmother’s house…But by the time I got to catching it, it had turned into a big puffy hamster. It was nice and soft on my face when I held it up there…The mouse was kind of brownish…Then it was yellow-ish orange (I think it might have turned into a field mouse inbetween there somewhere), by the time it was a hamster it was a white/cream color.

The first one…*sigh*
I was on the phone with Raya…And then the ‘other’ phone rang…Though it was suppose to be the same phone line, it seemed to be somehow diffrent too. On the other end of the second phone call was a voice I could hardly hear…Couldn’t tell what they were saying…Only that it was a male’s voice.

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Well @ 6:23 pm I’m either going to have to close out all my windows (which I’ll try first) or dump all my temporary files, so I can attempt some more YouTube downloads. *celebrates that I didn’t have to dump my files yet…As when I do, all the downloads I’ve downloaded go *poof* And it takes sooooo long to get even one down currently. Scratch that…Had to end up dumpint them anyway. *pouts* Oh well…I’ll just have to find new ones I suppose.

Today’s foodage…3 little pieces of pizza, and a min

i butterfinger. I think I’m getting better again…I just…*shrugs* Doesn’t seem important, even though I know it is. So why do I bother writing about it? Because someday I might want to know. Though, thing is, the chances of me going through any of this again, aside to look at videos is probably slim to none…*shrugs* I don’t know…And it’s not like this is a time of things I want to remeber overly…Though I am learning some things about the people who care about me.

Well…This is pretty much all I can think of… Hopefully I’ll have some Aang videos to add to the end of this…After all He is the Avatar…I shouldn’t neglect him…*laughs*

YouTube currently hates me…I’ve got one video…

Aang