Probably worth ignoring.

Well…Thursday brought more disappointment.

We got the dates for the awards ceremony at the school messed up, it’s not until next week…So Mum took a day off for nothing. Though we did get the battery for my Jeep, so it’s up and running once more.

But…There was no word, what-so-ever from Todd. *sigh*

Raya & Derrick (and even Reese) kept telling me that it doesn’t mean anything.

Trying to keep my hopes up…But trying to do it in a way that they don’t get dashed if they are wrong.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just run at the first sign of real emotion…Real feelings…Then I wouldn’t have to worry about hurting.

Derrick said it’s probably because he is seeing if he can live with these one people…As he’s been having trouble at home with his father, and has to be moved out by the end of the month. Fine, I could/can live with that…It’s just that he said he would call…Even if he had called to say he couldn’t come out, it would of been something.

I keep worrying I messed things up, showing up at his house like I did. Raya asked me how he acted when I was leaving. All seemed fine. He had said before I left I could stay while he took his shower if I wanted to…And he hugged me (also saying he’d see me tomorrow), & kissed me before I left…I was reluctant to go…And at the time, I thought he was at least a bit reluctant to have me go…I don’t know. *sigh*

Reese went to B.C.P. Tuesday night, and said that when she was talking to him, he was excited about coming over Wednesday…Said I was the only one he gave an name to…Derrick and Raya were just ‘him’ and ‘her’.
She also said that he talked about me the way James was talking about Derrick…*shakes head* Yeah, James mentioned Derrick a couple times, but I still don’t think he was interested in him, despite what Reese seems to think.

Mum too is trying to get it sunk into my head that it’s nothing…That just because he didn’t come over, didn’t call, that it doesn’t mean anything.

I’m just, overly worried. I know I shouldn’t be without real just cause…And honestly, I know I have no right to be…As I continue to keep pointing out to anyone who says otherwise…He’s not mine…Not really. [Suppose the fact that I wish he was doesn’t make it any easier though.]

Gods…Rule #1 of having toys…Don’t get attached to them. It never ends well…*sigh*
Still…I swear he cursed me. *nods* That first night, rather the next morning, before ‘things’ (in the HP RPG sense) even happened…When he was getting ready to leave, he asked me to do him a favour…Think of him while I was at school. I did…And seriously, I don’t think I’ve stopped since.

Admittedly, honestly…I think I was doomed before then…I was doomed from that bloody shot. That’s it, he did poison me…Some slow acting, mind-controlling poison in the shot. *nods*
I was doing my best to ignore him that night…Though I’m not entirely sure why…Raya on the other hand, was doing her best to try and push me towards him. *shakes head* Gods…Maybe I should of listened to her not so subtle (though non-verbal) prodding…Who knows how diffrent things would be now. [Gods know I wouldn’t of wasted all that time on Tony.]

Had Todd made a move that night…Part of me was hoping he wouldn’t (my brain clouded by stupidity), but part of me…Felt kind of put out that he didn’t. *shakes head* What the bloody hell is wrong with me? [Have my previous relationships screwed me up that much???]

Truth of the matter is…I cry nearly every night, at least for a couple minutes, while I’m waiting to fall asleep. My heart aches…Feels like it could explode (I’m sure if it did it would feel better).

Blah…Not going to let this get to me…I’ll go on the thought that everyone else is right, and I’m just being paranoid little me. & see what happens from here. If things go good, good…If not…Well, I’ve got people to pour the superglue on me. *small smile*