Phone calls…&…Thoughts…

Phone: *rings*

Raven: *looks at caller ID* *groans internally *answers phone* Hello.

Pet: Hello, what are you doing?

Raven: Typing.

Pet: I need my Aunt Ann’s phone number.

Raven: Uh…Where is it?

Pet: *some explanation that it should be on the 3×5 card in the mini file drawer*

Raven: *digs through file, finds A number, saying that it may not be the right one.*

Pet: *counters with he’ll call someone else if it’s not.* *asks for Grandmother’s number*

Raven: *indicates that it’s not written down*

Pet: *runs off most of a phone number, save last number*

Raven: *returns that there is no number listed*

Pet: *says once more that he’ll contact someone else if it’s wrong* *concludes phone call*

Phone call ends…In the conclusion of the phone call, as well as the entire converastion…there was nothing…nothing about missing, loving, ect. Does he even realize this? How can he not? I don’t understand, really I don’t. I know I don’t say anything…but…*frustrated sigh* How can one not see that there is seemingly nothing left? *shakes head*

(perhaps a minute later) Phone: *rings*

*beats head on desk*

This time it was Mike…calling to see if I’d gotten his last e-mail, as I hadn’t replied to him. I told him I had, and that I replied last night. Well he got off the phone to go check it. *is a bundle of nerves* He said he’s going to call back later…I hate face to face…or even phone to phone…where I have to speak aloud…confrintations…and I’m worried that is what will be coming. Gods…I know e-mail is so much more impersonable, or considered such by most. But writing is were I can express myself freely, getting the words I need to say, the words I think out freely and without the fears and worries that come with *interputed by phone call*

I’m sure you can all guess who was on the other end of the phone.

He doesn’t understand how someone can stop loving someone if they ever did. He says out of the five or six girl’s he’s ever loved, that he still loves them (not even going to wage a guess on how many he’s just been with…It’s quite a long list, I’m sure). How can you love someone if you don’t know anything about them? That’s my question. Yeah, he knew me in high school…but that was years ago…I’m not the same person I was then…I’m not the same person I was when the pet and I got together. As far as I can tell, Neither Mike nor the pet really know anything about me. They don’t know my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my worries. They just see me as…I don’t know.

You know…I’m pretty sure if I managed to gather a list of questions together, asking such things. What I want out of life…What I want to accomplish…What I want to be…I’m guessing neither of them would be able to answer them. Not correctly…Even if it was bloody mulitple choice!

Mike went on to bring up the last time I did go and see him. That what happened, though it wasn’t all of what he wanted, made him happy. He seems to believe I was happy and content with what happened…He doesn’t understand that I felt souless, empty…the kisses he gave were hollow, killing a bit of my spirit with each one…which aloud things to get as far as they did. Luckily reason came rushing back to the surface, awakening me from my fall twords what surly would of been a mistake.

Then he tells me that Cinda ‘hooked him up’ with one of the women she works with…Says he wasn’t going to do anything, but the woman made it known, somehow, that Cinda had insinuated that sex was part of the deal. (Gods…what does that say about that lot?) So instead of just taking her home and dropping her off and leaving it at that…he took her home. Okay…that was all the explanation that I needed, really. But he felt the need to ‘be honest’, and ‘had’ to tell me he ‘slept’ with the woman not once, but twice. And to top it off…He felt nothing. *headdesk* *rollseyes* This is followed by he can’t just sleep with someone anymore, sex can’t just be sex. I don’t know how he expects me to respond…Good for him? *shrugs*

Personally…I’m not looking for a relationship at this moment. I have one of those that I don’t want as it is. I really don’t need a second one. I won’t deny that I would be more than happy for a bit of release, but not from someone who is going to become obsesssive or what not about it, or expect it to be anything more than what it is. Besides…I’m suppose to be keeping an eye out for my Sirius…someone whose going to take the time and have the want to know me…really know me. To ask those questions…Of what I want, and need, and all those things. Someone whose going to take the time enough to care about those things.

Anyway…Mike ends the conversation with leaving me with a question…He didn’t want an answer right then, he wanted me to think about it. Here is said question(s).

"Is there a chance for me to get your love back? And if so, what would it take?"

*rolls eyes* I loved him once, at least to the extent of my knowledge of what love is. I wanted to be with him forever, I would of done anything for him, all he had to do was ask. I’m pretty sure I lost all sight of who I was in the process…but at that point, it didn’t matter…at least I didn’t think it did. He keeps saying we broke up because he couldn’t handle my possessiveness. He was the one that would call me and say come get him. He was the one that dictated where we went, and what we did. I came when I was called like a puppy. I’m not going to be that bloody puppy again. I have other things, more important things that need my tending. My children, my friends, my writing (even if I haven’t been doing much constructive outside of roleplay). And he was quite content just to brush me off, even with the knowledge I carried his child.

During part of the conversation, he made a remark about him maybe not fitting in my world anymore. I hated it for the fact that here I am trying to be his friend…trying not to cause him anymore pain…but you know…I’m seeing me sacrificing part of myself for this…And I have to ask myself why. Why am I putting this energy into this? It’s a waste of my energy, energy I could be using elseswhere, for other things…more productive things.