Obsession

First off, mini rant. Work on my front page pic was cancelled for the day as the pet forget to go to work. *glares* Granted that meant not having to get up and take him in…but Mum had come up wth a way around that, which made her late this morning, for no reason. It also means he’s not going to be going and working on fixing the stupid thing today either.

Oh yeah…This is going to be incrediably long…and parts of it were pirated.

Now…back to your regularly scheduled entry.  Granted, I’m not expecting to be some people’s favorite person by the end of this entry. But this is me, this is what I do, and who I am. How I deal wtih things.

Obsession (noun):
1. a compulsive or irrational preoccupation
2. an unhealthy fixation

Fixation in human psychology refers to the state where an individual becomes obsessed with an attachment to another human, animal or inanimate object. A Freudian belief that, if during one of the psychosexual stages of development, a person did not receive appropriate gratification during a specific stage, or that a specific stage left a particulary strong impression, that person’s personality would reflect that particular stage throughout their adult life.

Animotion – Obsession Lyrics
You are an obsession
I cannot sleep
I am a possession
Unopened at your feet
There is no balance
No equality
Be still
I will not accept defeat

I will have you
Yes I will have you
I will find a way and I will have you
Like a butterfly
A wild butterfly
I will collect you and capture you

You are an obsession
You’re my obsession
Who do you want me to be
To make you sleep with me
You are an obsession
You’re my obsession
Who do you want me to be
To make you sleep with me

I feed you
I drink you
By day and by night
I need you
I need you
By sun or candlelight
You protest you want to leave
Stay there’s no alternative

Your face
appears again
I see the beauty there
But I see danger
Stranger beware
A circumstance in your naked dream
Your affection is not what it seems

You are an obsession
You’re my obsession
Who do you want me to be
To make you sleep with me
You are an obsession
You’re my obsession
Who do you want me to be
To make you sleep with me

My fantasy
has turned to madness
All my goodness
has turned to badness
My need to posess you
has consumed my soul
My life is trembling
I have no control

I will have you
Yes I will have you
I will find a way and I will have you
Like a butterfly
A wild butterfly
I will collect you
and capture you

You are an obsession
You’re my obsession
Who do you want me to be
To make you sleep with me
You are an obsession
You’re my obsession
Who do you want me to be
To make you sleep with me
(repeat and fade)

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Yeah, yeah, yeah…It’s been butchered for my own purposes, just because that’s the kind of person I am. *smirks*

Said about Grim:
1.) I don’t care, I just want him to fucking die, slowly and painfully.

~Well I DO bloody well care when someone says something as such about one of my friends. You don’t see me going around wishing slow painful deaths on other peoples friends.~

2.) The simple fact is that Grim is a controlling, immature, cocksucking bastard who wants her all to himself.

~Really now? Immature, yeah, on occasion. Even I’m not going to say he’s not. Hell, I’M immature on occasion…WE ALL ARE…Unless of course we’ve reached surpreme enlightenment and know how to act in every situation…Haven’t seen that yet in my life…Don’t expect to either. Cocksucking? Nope, Grimmie is 100% heterosexual, so he won’t be doing any of that (yeah, yeah, not what was meant…but hey, I feel like being literal). Bastard? (Again, insisting on being literal…as it’s just so much bloody fun.) Sorry, his parent’s were quite married at the time of his conception and birth. Amazing, isn’t it?~ *laughs*

3.) The fact that he’s an immature, cocksucking bastard can’t be contested.

~Didn’t I just cover that? And pretty much contested most of it, aside from saying, yes, he can be immature. But really, that’s not all the time…and far less than he would like even. As his mature side is taking over more and more often. Not that many who don’t really know him would get the oppertunity to see it.~

4.) So in addition to being an asshole, he has no sense of humor except when Raven tells a joke.

~I tell jokes? When the bloody hell did this happen? *shrugs* I must of missed it. Anyway…Actually, I find Grimmie quite amusing. He does real good at making me laugh. He’s quite entertaining.~

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Raven will be the first to tell you she’s got low self-esteem and that she’s not very assertive.

~If I’m so willing to do so, why do you feel the need to do it for me here? In the same setting that you blaspheme one of my biggest supporters. For what little you think of him (and Raya) Grimmie (as well as Raya) has (have) done a great deal for me. When I am weak he (they) are my strength. When I am sad he (they) do whatever is in their power to make me happy again, or at least to make me laugh. Grimmie has told me I’m beautiful so often of late, foolish me, I’m actually beginning to look in the mirror and see that perhaps I am pretty after all. And as for the assertive part. Well, I’m not exactly curling up and hiding in my hole at this point, am I?~

She wants to leave her husband, and from what she writes about him, that could be one of the best things in her life.

~Yet we alll know as cowardly and weak as I am…and with all these people whom I keep around me who insist on tearing me back down, I’ve gotten nowhere. Oh wait…I have gotten one step closer, then again, maybe that’s just in my own mind. Seems to me, though I will freely admit I’m not to the point of delivering said letter, there IS a letter now. One of which my dear sister Raya has been urging me to write for a while now. And which has gotten to the actual writing because with Grimmie’s help, my eyes have been opened a bit further to the things missing in my life. That those things are out there, and are actually a possiblity for me to find once more.~

She also wants to do it before the kids get an inkling that something’s wrong between Mommy and Daddy. This is where I can help her. I was in the same position as Sonja and Harley when my parents divorced; hell, I wasn’t much older than Harley when it happened! Kids are emotional sponges; we absorb everything. So they already know that everything is definitely NOT okay. So I can give her advice about how to help S

onja and Harley deal when she does get a divorce.

~Taking into consideration that I sleep in the living room, on the couch or floor, and not in the bedroom…I’d think that would be a hint that something is wrong with Mommy and Daddy…My children are quite smart, so I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that they already know. Which is better than not knowing a bloody thing and then being told someday that Mommy and Daddy just aren’t going to be together anymore. In everything I say/write, it is hardly mentioned anything that can be classified as an actual fight, the ususal sign to kids that everything’s not happy in the home. I’d rather them have subtle signs than screaming matches. I, as a child whose parent’s sperated/divorced prior to my first year of school, without really knowing that anything was going on, would much rather my children know.~

But, I can’t do it if Grim looks at me as a threat. Well, to late for that. It’s more than obvious that he’s threatened by me. I want to know why.

*looks puzzeled* ~How is it obvious that Grim feels threatened here? I just don’t see it. Gods…I don’t see a lot…I must be the blindest person in all exsistance.~

Anyway. I’m worried because it seems that Grim does his best to push women with strong personalities out of her life.

*looks around* *takes note of my Mum & Raya* ~Well, there seems to be a couple of strong women…Not to mention those from Open Diary whom I share bits of their lives with through entries and notes. Granted aside from Raya, Tara, and Arwen, I don’t really speak to any of them outside of OD. But I know there are a couple who all I had to do was ask, and they would be there. I know that there are those that are concerned for me, and it means a lot that people who linger between the worlds of strangers, aquaintances, and friends. I’ve never been a great persuer of friendships, but I do know there are some waiting for the day I chose to open myself up for them. Heck, I’ve got a waiting offer to tour a Jelly Belly Jellybean plant.~ *giggles* ~Sorry, just couldn’t help meself there.~

Actually, this is his biggest personality issue that convinced me of him being antisocial.

~WhooHoo for Anti-socialness! I’m bloody anti-social, why shouldn’t my closest friends be?~ *laughs*

I don’t think she knows just how much she needs strong, assertive women surrounding her. The more strong, assertive women that surround her and help her realize the confidence that is in her and just needs a chance to bloom, and how much inner strength she really has, the faster she’ll get a divorce and improve her life. The more Grim pushes these women away, the longer it will take, the more emotional damage she and the kids suffer…

~You know…I do know I’m stronger than I think I am…I’m just not to the point of harvesting said strengths. Raya has done a great deal to showing me that I do have this strength. When I falter in, well basicly, whatever, it is always her right there telling me I’m stronger than I think I am. Urging me to dig into that strength. A little by little, I tap it more and more. It’s been buried a long time, it’s going to take a long time to unearth it completely. And despite my insistent backsliding, the pushing of the dirt back into the hole, Raya keeps working on digging it out.~

I think the reason Grim does this is that he obviously does not have many friends.

~So Grim doesn’t have many friends. Believe it or not, tis his choice. I don’t have many friends that I would address as such either. Though like I said, is my chosing that I haven’t pursued the possible friendships that linger on the horizon.~

In fact, there’s a lot of evidence that supports my idea that Raven is his only friend.

~Actually, amazing as it may sound, Grim does have other friends, and other people he associates with, even off in the real world beyond cyberspace!~ *gasps* *giggles* ~We have mutal friends in common from the DragonLance sites. Raya is his friend as well, and I commend her greatly on learning how to deal with him. I know it can’t be easy, as they both can be impossibly stubborn.~

He’s got so much control over her that it’s tragic.

~I’m still waiting to see signs of this control. And lets not note his entry where he was worried that he did. If one would read the note(s) I left, one would know better. I have been through dealing with obsessive love, I’ve dealt with a master manipulator, I have even been at the hands of one who is quite conniving when it’s to get what he wants. I know what it feels like to be in those situations, and I know what it’s like not to be.~

I’d kill myself if anybody had that much control over me.

~But wouldn’t you have to ask said person if you could first? I’m pretty sure they’d say no. Then again, that could be the goal of such a person.~ *shrugs* ~I suppose that was just a bit of random babble.~

By pushing all of her other friends out of the way (mostly because he harangues them until they get fed up, both with him and with her refusal to tell him to quit it), he convinces her that he’s her only real friend. Tell me that’s not control.

~Grim hasn’t pushed any of my friends out of the way, let alone with lengthy speaches or lectures. I’m sure if he was getting long winded, most people would tune him out. Since it’s usually messenger he’s on when he talks to anyone I know, there is also the lovly blocking option.~ *looks over at Nic* ~Not to drag you into anything, but I was just curious…The other morning on messenger, Grim attempt to drive you crazy, push you away, or be mean to you in anyway? Then again, she’s not the only one he’s spoken to on messenger within the last little while. And in said conversation (with whom I will not mention, though I’m sure she can figure it out), when she was getting read to leave, she said something about behaving…To which I replied….’I have to behave, I’m not allowed not to anymore.’ For any of those who have not caught up properly…Grimmie and I are back on a friends only status…by HIS initiation. If he was obsessed with me, and wanted to control me, it would of been in his best interest to keep me tied to him by possibly deeper reins. Thing of it is…He didn’t want to hurt me. Even in his replies to the letters we exchanged, he said that he doesn’t feel he’s the right guy for me, that there is someone better out there. Someone who is obsessed with someone else doesn’t say such things. They do the complete opposite, insisting that they are the best possible person for them, then gaurds them jealously so they can’t meet someone who might take them from their grasp. Grim on the other hand, keeps trying to give me to Spud…Or Spud to me…or something.~ *laughs*

Like I said, if she wants to stay friends with him that’s fine. But if she’s a true friend, she will help him rein in his temper tantrums and tell him to quit harrassing her other friends.

*pulls on leash* ~Oh no! He chewed through the bloody thing again.~ *giggles* ~Though there is someone whom I do my best to keep him reined in on. He does slip through the bars of his cage on occasion and nips. She on the other hand, seems willing to refuse to rise to the occasion anymore.~ *hands her a piece of gold and a bottle of rum*

She will alsoremind him that he’s not the end-all be-all outside of his own universe.

~He’s not? Just kidding.~ *laughs* ~Gods…How many times have I said, and I quote…’Grim, you are not God.’~ *laughs* ~And no, there will be no bringing up any such slips where I may, or may not have said otherwise.~ *smirks*

Plus, she will help him make more friends in his real life so that he won’t be so clingy and afraid of losing her.

~Let’s see…I introduced him to Raya (She probably should of Cruicoed me for that one. *laughs*), and they are friends now. He’s got his roommate, I get the feeling an evening watching those two interact would be entertaining. And it’s not like he’s holed up at his place all the time…As he goes out at least one night a week, sometimes more, to hang out with some other people.~

As much as I’d like to think Grim is stupid, he’s not.

~Finaly something we can agree on…He’s not stupid.~

He could be a great friend if he knew how to make them.

~He IS a great friend. He just doesn’t chose to make everyone his friend…He’s quite picky.~

He’s intelligent, unbelieveably intelligent, probably as intelligent as I am, maybe more so.

~Oh Gods…Don’t go stroking his Ego…Do you know how much work it is to keep that bloody thing in check as it is?~ *laughs*

Raven is both intelligent and smart.

~If I’m so bloody smart and intelligent…Why then am I made out not to be able to see the things going on in my own life?~

Since he obviously looks up to her, she should teach him how to be smart.

~Actually, as I’m only 5′ 4" and he’s 6′ 2" I have to do the looking up…Oh wait, there I go being literal again (but it’s oh so much fun *laughs*). Anyway…smart Wisdom is something you either have or don’t, it can’t be taught. Most of the time, Grim choses to hide his common sense side…and actually there are times I wish he’d stick to that…But it is there, and he does know how to use it, as like with all other things…When HE choses to do so.~

This will create a ripple effect: If he realizes how smart he could be, his inferiority complex will fade, he might become less of an asshole, and he’ll make friends off the computer.

~Inferiority complex? What part of…He thinks he’s God meshes with an inferiority complex?~

ANYWAY…Yeah, I’m going to go with, probably NOT the best way to present my arguement…Then again, being whispered about behind my back has always gotten under my skin. Had it enough in high school, don’t need it 13 years later. I can, when I want, chose to act like an adult…thing is, I’ve GOT to do that on a day to day basis when dealing with children, bills, vehicles, etc. When I’m Jennifer. I’m NOT Jennifer here. I’m Raven(& or Kit)…And I don’t feel like being the pinnacle of adulthood. I will fully admit that I’ve been damaged in the past, there are things in my psyche that prevent me from wanting to be an adult…Things that cause me to want to hang on to what were suppose to be ‘the best years of my life’ *rolls eyes*. Not an excuse, just how things are.

ANYWAY…my point…Grim has been in my life for 6 years, and as he has become increasingly protective over me, I have become increasingly protective over him. To have someone say they are/want to be my friend, yet wish one of the most important people in my lives a slow and painful death…That does not mesh well in my world. Yes, at one point we claimed brother/sister kinship…Well things happened, and that’s not the case anymore…But not because the bond of our friendship has lessened any. If anything it’s strengthened. Hell…I don’t expect anyone else to be his friend…I’m guessing most people don’t have what it takes. But I’ll be damned if someone is going to wish him death, and try to claim my friendship.
BUT…it’s not only Grim that I know has been "verbally" (Yes, writing is a verb) attacked, whether it was suppose to be with or without my knowledge. Raya, who is also a very important person in my life, who is my best friend, my sister, has been called things, and accused of things, that are just wrong, and nasty, and which may or may not be, the product of someone with hurt feelings lashing out. The point is, the things have been said. Raya is the one who was there for me when everything had taken it’s toll on me, and I was literly falling apart. I didn’t know which direction was which, I couldn’t breathe, my head was spinning, I felt pretty much like I was going to die…And if that’s what it took to end the way I was feeling…I think I probably would of accepted that. I don’t know what would of happened if Raya hadn’t been there for me that night…Not saying I would of done anything to myself, as I didn’t even have the ablility to move from where I was, my body having gone completely numb. So yeah…I’ll be damned if I’m going to stand there and say, ‘Yeah, talk shit about my best friend, I don’t mind.’

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Okay boys and girls…Shall we be on to something else now?

Oh yeah Awren…*points* Lookie, I mentioned you. Granted, you might rather have been left out of said mess….I do apologize if it causes you any undo angst.

And to [echo] and The Good Witch Bitch…I don’t hold any any involvement in this against you. You were asked a favor, and you complied. It’s what friends do. I understand that, as [echo] has stated, she is concerned about me, and I hope I alleviated that concern with what I told her last night.