*is waiting for the world to crumble*

I’m feeling a bit of a mess currently. *sigh*

Todd came over Sunday…When Todd comes over, I like to go meet him outside, to have that brief bit of time together first off. Well, that totally got messed up Sunday because of all that was going on. Dan was there dropping off the Critters, and I was getting him to sign the paper for mediation over visitation time…So he was standing in the doorway. He’d brought over some stupid pasta salad from some open house they’d gone to…Part of it spilt on the floor, so I had to worry about getting that cleaned up. On top of that, Dan was asking about the Critters coming to stay the week before Sonja goes to camp. Which I know Sonja doesn’t even want to go there on the week-ends, let alone for a bloody week! So I was feeling all stressed out.

Todd and Derrick were back out by Todd’s Blazer by the time Dan left, and I got all the pasta salad cleaned up, and everything else taken care of…I went outside and just let out an aggravated scream. [What I really would of loved to do was just bury myself in a hug from Todd…But it didn’t happen.]

In fact…*sigh* Todd was in a bit of a mood himself. He seemed distant most of the night. He lit a fire in the little grill, and we stood out there for an hour watching it, talking a bit. When we came back inside we both sat in Mum’s chair, but he was practically glued to the TV.
He was tired, and I know I don’t know what else was going on in his head. I do know his parents gave him 22 more days to find a diffrent place to live. I’m sure that has to be getting to him too.

When he went to bed, I went in there a few minutes later, and asked him if he even liked me at all. *bangs head on wall* He said yeah, or something to that extent. I feel like I had to practically beg for a kiss…Did ask if I could have one, as he hadn’t kissed me at all since getting here. [He said it was because he hadn’t brought a toothbrush, and that he’d been smoking and drinking all night.]

The next day he told me he was sorry about how he’d been acting, that he just gets in these moods sometimes, where he doesn’t even want to be touched. He feels kind of claustrophobic. [The letter I gave him probably will send him running then. *sigh*]

When I had gotten home from taking the Critters to school I couldn’t sleep. I had wanted to go curl up with Todd…But I didn’t want to disturb him either, as the night before was pretty much a mess. Anyway…I spent an hour writing a three page letter…Not I’m regretting, out of fear, even giving it to him.

I basically told him how I felt, without coming out and saying it…That when he said what he did about moving downstate with his brother I felt a bit crushed…Some other things that I know I should of said, as I was overstepping my bounds. & just that he means a lot to me, and I care about him…That I was worried when he was working too jobs, that I wonder how his day is when he’s at work that I hope he’s having a good day.

I told him that the one day I almost called him mine…And that I have no right to…But that I wouldn’t mind if I could. But I also said I wasn’t pushing for anything.

I guess one of three things can happen. 1.) He’ll run screaming for the hills…Which is what I’m anticipating / fearing, etc. 2.) He’ll be happy to hear/read such, and all my anxiety and worry will have been for nothing. [As yeah, I’m pretty much a nervous wreck.] 3.) Things will stay as they are…And I’ll be living in this constant state of limbo, waiting for my own feelings to consume me. [Aren’t I being melodramatic.]

Also amongst the things I wrote, was that despite it sounding cliché’, that I’ve found myself feeling in a way I haven’t before. Which is honestly the truth.

It’s not even ten minutes upon awakening that my mind has my first thought of him. I think of him several times throughout the day. I miss him…I miss his arms around me/the way he hugs me. I miss his lips/hiss kiss…I had been trying to purge my thoughts at one point a few weeks ago…In one of the said purges I had said his kisses were near perfect. *sigh* And for me, they are. They are the kind of kisses I’ve always thought about.

I miss his scent…Whenever I catch it lingering…*sigh* I feel that ache inside…

Anyone willing to come here and cut my heart out?

I left the world’s lamest message on the answering machine at his house about half and hour ago…Said something along the lines of wanting to know if he was still talking to me. *bangs head on desk*

Well…I had best finish this up…I start summer walking today [Yeah, I know, something like a month late.]…Maybe I’ll be able to clear my mind some…I should be writing stuff…I’ve so neglected roleplay…Haven’t updated since the Spring Break stuff…And nightmare time is coming up.

And an apology for being a horried noter/reader the past few days.