If I know better…Why do I do it anyway?

I’m feeling…quite foolish. I put myself in a situation that I knew not to put myself into. The little voice of common sense and reason screaming at me the whole way…Yet I still went ahead and did it anyway. *sigh*

Mike’s e-mail tonight:
I hope i still have your friendship. I acted like a
fool because of the screwed up state of mind im in. So
i apologize with all my HEART! I hope you forgive me.
PLEASE call me tomorrow.

I went to see him after I got done walking. He said he wanted to talk to me, without Alex (his son) overhearing, so I followed where he led. I sat there, let him sit there with me. Let his get close. Once more he tells me he never stopped loving me. That he still loves me. I haven’t the heart to look at him and tell him I don’t love him. I hate hurting people (hence the marriage situation). He says this, and he says that. And I know better…I know it’s whatever sounds good at the time. It’s a lure. It’s how he’s always been, why would/should I expect change. He told me that he was telling me these things because it was true, not because he wanted to get into my pants.

He wanted ‘kisses and love’. I aloud him to kiss me. He laid me down and hovered over me. I felt souless and empty as when our lips were touching. He didn’t get what he was aiming for though. Despite the valiant effort on his part. It was…hard and easier than expected both. Not that that will probably make much sense.

Some of the thoughts that kept me sane…Knowing that  that wasn’t what I wanted…That I deserve something that I actully want…I deserve to be more than a release for someone else…And the fact that I’m not suppose to be settling for anything less than a Sirius…and he is so not a Sirius.

I’m feeling better though, getting this out…Though I’m going to attempt a more indepth verson over at GJ…Though I’m still quite ashamed of how things went. Guess I just have to keep reminding myself, when it came right down to it, I did what I had to do. Now…If I can keep that up.

On a totally unrealated note. While walking today we stopped at a store, and I bought a giant bubble wand thing (as I only spent 25 cents on my water, I thought I could splurge the $1.50 for some entertainment)…and spent the rest of teh walk releasing bubbles into the atmosphere. It was quite fun. *laughs*