I don’t know…I don’t know anything…

I’m feeling a bit more myself tonight than I was last night…though I am still…I’m not sure.

I miss my little brother…though I’m not sure I that’s a proper term for him anymore. He asked me once if I was still his big sister, and I said yes…And I meant it.

Grimmie was 14 when I met him online at one of the MSN DragonLance communities…I was 25. One day talking on messenger I told him he was annoying like a little brother. He was my little brother ever since.

Above all and everything…I know I don’t want to lose his friendship…he means entirly too much to me. I know he can be difficult, near impossible at times…But that’s just part of who he is…and as it’s been said…I wouldn’t have him any other way…since if he was any other way, he wouldn’t be him. So yeah, sometimes I’d like to strangle him. But I’ve also seen that he can, when he wants to be, when he choses to be, on those rare occasions…He can be a real sweetheart.

He says he was a spoiled this week, not having to drive, as I did the driving everywhere. I was spoiled too…as he carried the bags of catfood when I got them…He hauled in all the stuff we picked up the day we went shopping. Just a bunch of little things, that I’m always use to doing myself, and have given up anyone offering help with. *small smile* It was nice.

He’s apologized repeatedly, and said he feels horrid for making me cry. Yet the only reason I’ve cried is because I miss him so much. I never expected to miss him so much…then again, I never expected a lot of things.

Okay…here it goes, as I’ve tried to be as honest as possible in this diary, and I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t continue to be so…For those of you who haven’t figured it out…or think you have an idea, but are unsure, and don’t want to ask…I slept with Grimmie while he was here.

I swear everything started out innocent enough. [And no…I still don’t know why the palms…other than I am a Gemini, and there are two of them. And bloody hell if I don’t want a lollypop.] Anyway…it sounds so cliche’ to say ‘one thing led to another’…but I guess that’s what happened. I have to admit though, I was more…relaxed around him than I think I’ve ever been with anyone before. I did things more willingly than I have in the past…more openly…more freely…

I thought it would be my body that felt the loss the most…but I have an ache inside…

I’ve always hated distance…I find myself hating it even more…

*is pigging out on mint Milano cookies* *has Scotty Doesn’t Know swimming around in my head*

Damn…the cookies are gone.

Other than that…I finally got my Jeep back. The drivers door is now white and grey, and the pin strips are in the wrong place. I have to do something to fix it.

We were going to try the fair again tonight…but it was raining when Mum got home…We have decided the fair is cursed this year…as are the fireworks.

Braces countdown…while I’m remebering.

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I don’t know if I’ve managed to figure out anything…

I wish…you were here…I just want someone to hold me…I just want to feel like I matter…I just want to feel like someone cares…I don’t want to be a pain, or burdon, or take up your time…I don’t know what I want…I want to cry…*sigh*