Day Seven: One week down…One week to go

I don’t know what you expect to gain, I don’t know what you expect this to prove, all I know is it’s bordering on cruel.

It’s late at night…or is it morning? It just turned midnight, the start of the seventh day. The sixth was the hardest so far. I’m wondering if the seventh is going to be worse still. I was fine, I thought…Well, not really. The music…The songs…They didn’t help. And I had to look them up when I got home…Pouring salt in the wounds.

I wonder how you are…Are you just fine? Are you thinking about me, like I’m thinking about you? Are you reading what I’m writing, as each day passes by, or are you ignoring my words? Out of sight, out of mind?

I sound bitter, I don’t mean to. I’m just hurting is all. Yes, this hurts, in case you’re wondering. I wanted to cry when you told me about this ‘break’. I wanted to scream and ask you what good you thought it was going to do. But I didn’t, I didn’t want to upset you more. I resigned myself to my fate…As I always do.

*breathes in* *breathes out* I’m…feeling empty right now.

~*~Thoughts Continue As The Day Passes On~*~

Did you ask her out, like you intended to? Did she say yes, like you hoped she would? Have you gone out to dinner? Did you have a good time? Are you going to go out again?

I just want to know, want to know that you’re happy. Or that you’re working on it anyway. We all deserve happiness…You deserve happiness…So do I.

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I’ve been working on stuff for the story that I’m going to attempt to write come Novemeber. (Guess I should get off my arse and go sign-up for the NaNoWriMo then huh? *laughs*)

I’ve got five main characters…All with first and last names! And I like how the sound together…How the first names sound with the last names…And how all the characters names just sound together. Personalities haven’t been etched in ‘stone’ yet…But as I’m using some ‘elemental’ basics, the personalities should be easy to sort out. *giggles* I think I’m actually getting quite excited about this…Which should make Raya happy, as it means I’m working on something orginal. [Though that also means I have nothing for rpg tonight. At least not thus far…I really don’t have an idea for tonight.]

I’m anxious to talk about my story…But I’m afraid I’ll jinx myself. I think I have a good idea…Hope it’s a good idea anyway. Thing is…I have a couple of plot ideas…BUT…I don’t think they are ready for a first run though book…I can see them making good sequels…I need something else for the orginal story…Aside from the beginning part…I don’t think that in and of itself is enough for a story…And I don’t see it reaching 50,000 words.

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I’m dying for a drink of something cold…What I really want is water…But I also know there isn’t any cold at the moment. I need to get the picture filled and put back in the fridge. Guess I’ll have to settle for some juice. If I decide to get up…Blah. My back is killing me today. It was already hurting, but I think I strained it a bit on the couch yesterday.

Going to work on the futon tomorrow…Perhaps I’ll have it to sleep on by tomorrow night…I think the floor is part of what’s getting to my back.

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I need to do some serious work on myself…I know this. Part of that is, (as my loverly sister Raya has been talking about) working on my spiritual side.

Thing is…I’m not sure where to start. My mind has been so scattered of late, which really doesn’t help when trying to think clearly. I need to learn to meditate. I just can’t seem to clear my mind.

I need to find something…Focus on something…

I need to find my whole self…Put myself back together properly…I don’t think I’ve been whole for a long, long time. Perhaps since I was a child even.

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I added a new quote to the front of my diary…I’ve had it laying around for a while now…Talking to Dobby today made me remeber it.

"Love is a condition humans talk themselves into in order to justify doing things animals do without justification." – Leary, the Sidhe King in To Recapture the Light, by Morgan Llywelyn

I’m thinking that it is a very true quote. People think they’re better than animals…So they think such things need justification. *hangshead* *sighs* Guess I felt I needed justification too. Something to make it something more than what it was. Still…Once you fool your heart into something…It’s harder to let go than if you’ve left it as nothing.

I never expected to think of it as more…It was suppose to just be a favor for a friend…But I didn’t expect to be treated so nicely either…To be made to feel I mattered. It’s been so long since I’ve felt that way…No wonder I wanted it to be real…Wanted more. And because of it, I made a mess of things.

I’ve been doing my best to keep my mind on other things…Whenever I falter…I feel like I might fall apart…I find myself standing on that edge. I’m actually quite proud of how well I’ve held up thus far…Still…I’m not sure how much longer…As part of me really does just want to give up and let the pain subdue me, and the tears run free. [Did cry yesterday…During the last play of Chasing Cars.]

I don’t know…Don’t know much of anything…Except that it’s another week to go…

But don’t worry…Today…I’m still doing fine…