Day Four

Spirituality is not seeing with your eyes…It’s feeling with your heart.

First, before I get on to tonights thoughts…this from earlier today…

I’m feeling…on the depressed side. Though not for what I would expect to. (Though I did have a bout of thoughts related prior…but it’s mostly not knowing things.) What’s really bothering me is the whole not knowing what to do with myself thing. Simply exsiting gets quite tiring after a while. I’m coming to realize this. I want something more out of life. I want to accomplish something. But…I’ve been talking/thinking about classes like I’ve mentioned, in the last two entries I think. Thing is…It’s a lot of money to spend just to learn about something if, in the long run, it’s not going to recontriubute to things. Though…I can’t think of anything that I could do that would. Is this making any sense?

Anyway…Something a bit random for the time being…In last night’s entry I forgot the mention the cute blonde guy that smile at me as I was leaving Subway/Wal-Mart.

Back to the discontent feeling. I really was feeling fairly fine earlier. Went to the dentist, got my teeth cleaned. If I had $350 to waste I’d do the new tooth whitening thing they’ve got, I think…But I don’t have that kind of money to spend on getting white teeth. Guess, once I can leave the retainer out for some time, I’ll do some of those over the counter things you can get from the stores. I’ve used them before, and they work pretty good. Just have to keep it up more, I’m sure.

I’m restless…I think…Maybe that’s where this discontentment is coming from. I’ve been thinking…setting up scenes, internal dialog, and all that (per usual really). I want to get through the holidays…And past the New Year, and income tax refund time. I’m hoping to have the courage by then…I know, I know…It’s like another five months. But I’ve got to work on this on my time table, my schedule. I know I’ve got some more work to do on myself before I can broach this. I have a general thought in mind…I’m not sure if it’ll work like it does in my head (as these things seldom…okay, never, do). I’m hoping it comes out as a non-confrontational occurrence. I hoping/wishing, things can be handled well. Still…I don’t have it in me to do it yet…I still need some time…To tap that inner strength that I know is in there somewhere.

Now…To attempt to remember everything I wanted to address…As the ‘Title’ or ‘Subtitle’ may suggest, or was suppose to anyway, *laughs*, I’m going to delve into the world of my beliefs. Some of which I’m sure I’ve mentioned before. Some I may have briefly touched on. Some of which may be completely new to those reading.

On the Subject of ‘God’. [No, you are NOT God]

I believe in a collective spirit of the devine…one big bubble of devine energy if you will. If you want to call this ‘source’ God, feel free…But I don’t tend to give it a label all it’s own. I believe this force has, as in all things, a duel nature, represented in the forms of Masculine (The God) and Feminine (The Goddess). From here, I believe each of those divine forces can be broken down further (though they are still all part of the initial whole). This is into furhter aspects of divinity as separate Gods and Goddesses. Like the Greeks had Artemis, Apollo, Zues, Hera, Hermes, Athena, Ares, etc…The Romans had Diana, Apollo (who him again? *snickers*), Jupiter, Juno, Mercury, Minerva, Mars, etc….The Egyptians had Isis, Osiris, Bast, Sekhmet (listed for you my wolven friend *smiles), etc. [I’d list more Egyptian Gods/Goddess, but admittedly, I’m not as familiar with them as others…though Bast is one of my favorites. *hugs the cat headed Goddess*]…I could go on, as I’d really like to mention Kali as well…but I’m sure you’re all getting my point. In essence I believe in them all, as they are all aspects of the whole. I see going to a specific one to fill a specific need. [Heck, I’ve been known to call on the aid of the Goddesses listed in the DragonLance books…Want to know something? It works! I have my dear Sonja as proof.] All and all, it’s about what you allow your heart to put faith into.

This part is dedicated to my sister. *hugs Raya* I believe in the power of crystals and stones. The elements that make up such substance do hold certain powers within them. Case in point…I have a necklace I made, with very specific stones, for very specific reasons. Mainly to boost my confidence, and work on my inner strength. I can feel the difference in myself from the instant I put it on…And I can feel the difference in me the instant I take it off. Which is why I’m going to dive into research here soon, and get some more stones, and make a sturdier necklace…as I know this ones life, due to what it is strung on, is not going to be all that long.

Also, in the aspect that I am Raven, and Raven is me. I believe in the power of herbs, and other plants. I’m sure those who have been reading for a while remember me mentioning my herbal concoction that I was taking while not feeling well. Offers quite a bit of relief in the taking, and I’m sure it does it share to help aid in my recovery. This is nothing new though, as for thousands of years people used plants and herbs to heal their sick and ease pain, etc. etc. I’m sure it’s only due in part to the chemical companies wanting to retain their wealth that there aren’t more herbal remedies offered freely to the public.

I adhere to…or attempt to, admittedly, sometimes poorly…to the 8 Sabbats of the Wheel of the Year.
1) Feb. 2 Imbolc
2) Mar. 20/21/22/23 (depending on when the equinox falls) Ostara
3) May 1 Beltane
4) June 20/21/22/23 (depending on when the solstice falls) Midsummer/Litha
5) July 31 Lammas
6) Sept. 20/21/22/23 (depending on when the equinox falls) Mabon
7) Oct. 31 Samhain/Halloween
8) Dec. 20/21/22/23 (depending on when the solstice falls) Yule

Spells and prayers are essentially the same thing. It is asking for an outer force to help change the situation that is at hand…Whether it is to heal someone, bring something desired to yourself or someone else, it’s all about bringing around something, and placing your energy out there in the attempt to do it.

I also am a firm believer in reincarnation. It is a belief I’ve held since elementary school…When all my peers were reading who knows what, and I was studying the beliefs of Ancient Egypt. It spoke to me then, and has never left me. I have lived (many times) before, and I will live (probably many times) again.

Is there anything I’ve left out?

And I do apologize for shocking my poor sister earlier today. *laughs* As yes, at one point, I did own a copy of what is known at The Satanic Bible…Parts of it are just so bloody funny that it’s rediculous. Though I can’t quite remember now what was written…What does stand out in my mind was when it was speaking on sins and sinning. A guy was talking about the fact that he played organ at a carnival type place. All week long he would watch married men consort with all kinds of women (not their wives) and partake

in all kinds of ‘sinful’ things, such as swearing and gambling and what not. On Sundays he would play organ for the church…All these men would come in to repent, and beg forgiveness for their sins, and surly promising not to do them again…BUT…As soon as Sunday was gone…the same men were back at the carnival, doing the same things they had the previous week.
It also went through the seven deadly sins at one point, and pointed out how each of them are, to some degree, are basic human nature. I do wish I could remember how that went.

Still…I do not believe in an enity known as ‘the devil’ or ‘Satan’. There was no such being in any form of existence until the church deemed it necessary to scare the good Pagan folk into changing their ways. And what better way to do that than turn one of their Gods into a demon, and place him in direct conflict to the God they were trying to promote.

Still…as Raya and I were discussing last night, Christianity, like Communism, were good ideas/good concepts…that is until people got to them and f#cked them all up.

And I’ll end this part with the quotes from the movie Rasputin (which I’m still wanting to see so badly), which use to grace my font page.

 Grigori Rasputin: You’ll always fail because your soul is dead.
Dr. Botkin: I have performed many autopsies in my time, but I’ve never located a soul.
Grigori Rasputin : How many memories or emotions have you found?

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Since reading about National Novel Writing Month/NaNoWriMo in Minuete‘s entry the other day…It’s been floating around in my head. At first the 175 pages/50,000 words in a months time seemed like quite a daunting task. Breaking it down though…despite the fact that 1,667 words a day still looks daunting…that it comes out to being roughly 6 pages a day doesn’t seem too frightening a task. After all, this entry is nearly 3 1/2 pages. Roleplays entry for tonight was 2 pages…That is only 1/2 a page short of the 6 pages I would have to write in a days time. Granted it’s not story work…well rpg is *laughs*.

So that leaves me thinking about story concepts. I was discussing it with Raya last night (Gee…anyone surprised? *laughs*). I do have a list of ideas I’ve had written down, waiting for when I put time and effort into something. One of them would probably have to be first person…and I’m not sure how well I would be able to write first person. *thinks* *headdesk* Duh…that’s what I do here, isn’t it. *giggles* (Yes, I AM out of it today, thank you for noticing.) Still…that’s here, I’m not sure I could pull it off in a story setting.

Ideas…Any thoughts would be welcome…as I know I need to do something with myself…aside from sleeping and eating.

1) Memoirs of a Succubus: A tale of lust and seduction, and the pressures of being a demon lover, as told from the view of a succubus. (This is the one I’m thinking would have to be written in first person…and I’m not sure if I’m up to that task.)

2) A Trip Through Time: Thoughts on Past Lives…Follows a girl though many adventures/lives as brought up through past life regression.

3) Sinful: 7 short stories one on each of the 7 Deadly sins.

I’ve got a few other ideas…like the twisted romances…And my serial killer story (though I’m hoping when the time comes to put a lot of thought and effort into that one…and I know I couldn’t do that and get the amount of work out in the deadline set…As the point is to make the dead line…even if it’s not necessarily your best work…still hoping whatever I write comes out well anyway).

And that makes 6 pages of writing I’ve done today. *laughs* Granted, it would be more difficult I’m sure following a story line.

Ug…I’m stuffing myself full of junk that is masquerading as food again…Mostly candy that I really don’t need…Unless I talk myself out of it.

Not to forget this…Sonja did what she was suppose to do in gym class today. She was told if she cooperates tomorrow she’ll be able to go up to Ann’s after all.  Seems like there was something else…*shrugs*