Coming undone? Just a bit crazy tonight…

For the record…Vodka and Cran-Raspberry juice doesn’t go well together. No worries tho, this isn’t a drunken entry…Completely sober…Couldn’t even finish the glass.

I don’t know whether it was the empty stomach (hadn’t put anything in it for 6 hours, and then, not much…Or the whole telling Waz I was going to be a good girl…Tho I did specifically tell him I wasn’t going to drink the rum…Didn’t say I wasn’t going to drink the vodka…I have toast now…Toast is good).

Is it going to get harder every time? If it is…I don’t think I can handle this.
But, it’s too late…I’m caught…Ensnared in his web…
20 years ago, I would of never thought…I was under Mike’s ‘spell’, and it was powerful…But this…And what makes it worse…I don’t even think he has a clue.
Mike knew, he was manipulative and thrived on the power, the knowledge, the ability to control and manipulate, and…
Maybe that’s why it’s so much more than what it was before…Because he doesn’t know…It isn’t a game…It’s just the connection is that strong, on it’s own…It’s scary.

Toast in belly…Vodka wanna puke has become vodka warm feeling in chest…Tolerable, tho I still feel a bit pukey. Feeling a bit more sane too.

My sanity…It’s iffy at best…Suppose that’s what happens when you let whoever & their brother wander through your mind on a pretty much daily basis.

Macen & I are planning a bank heist (and yes, Macen as in Raya’s little one. *laughs*). He’s going to go behind the counter and bite the teller’s ankles, then grab the money…We discussed it on the phone earlier. He wasn’t saying much that time around, but Raya said he was smiling big, so he must of thought it was a good idea.

Anyone know anyone that wants to buy a harp? I have one I’m willing to part with…It was over $300.00 bought new, can’t remember how much more…I’d sell it for $300.00 if I could. Not that even that much could give me what I really want.
There is a week in August…Right after Sonja gets back from camp…The next day the Critters have to go to their week of torture…Mum has plans to be gone that next week as well…So I will be alone…Plane tickets are $555.00 *sigh* Like I told Wasil…Might as well be a million dollars at this point…I am beyond broke.

Appa’s brakes are starting to make grinding noises.

My favorite little allergen is up and walking around…I really do need to get the kitten’s pictures posted soon. The ‘white’ kitten turns out to not be so white after all…So no Marshmallow…He’s got a Siamese thing going on…He’s cute. I worry about him tho…His rib cage is not right, it’s flattened out some. It doesn’t seem to bother him tho. He’s got a cold in his one eye too…But nothing seems to slow him down…He’s the most active of the trio. & is a lover of the attention. I may have created a monster. *laughs* He’s gone from being a Marshmallow to being Wampa…It was suppose to be a temporary name…But I think it’s beginning to stick. Oh well, he’s adorable, & soft & furry & fluffy & all that other fun kitten stuff.
Sonja & Sammy named their kitten Peanut or Peanutbutter…Whichever. Harley’s kitten, or Wasil’s kitten…Whichever boy you ask, is the little black one (which has bits of white)…Harley is calling it Coal…From a comment I had made right after they were born. Wasil tried to say no, but he’s not here to name him & keep him…So he’s just going to have to deal.

So yeah…Part of my insanity, is…My insanity. *slight laugh* 
When I was younger, I was less than what could be called a good girlfriend…In all honesty…Faithfulness is a fairly new concept. [Yeah, I was faithful to the Idiot for 10 years, but in the end…& mentally…We honestly should of never gotten married.] Anyway…I was one to give into the temptation, the desire, the…Darkness…It’s what Raya called it, and rightfully so. I did damage to some who really didn’t deserve it…& if I’m being honest…I think that is what happened with Grim too…The darkness, trying to attach and claw it’s way out, looking for any reason, any excuse, wanting it’s freedom.
It hovered with Todd…Though I did good…Granted, that may be because it’s only temptation came in the form of a gay guy…Not like it was something that was going to come to fruition.

Speaking of Todd…When I seen him again…When Wasil & I were at B.C.P.
Despite knowing I didn’t want him, I wanted him to want me. I can’t help but wonder now, if that’s not part of the darkness…It wanted him to want me…Wanted the temptation…But I don’t want to fall…I can’t fall…I won’t fall…It would destroy Wasil…& it would destroy me.

It’s only been two weeks…It seems like an eternity.
December seems a life time away…& it will be short…He’ll be here and gone in the blink of an eye.
I won’t be able to go down in March again…Which means another 6 months between December & June that I have to be parted from him.

My head hurts…I think, despite my bit of a nap…I may be getting tired.

Stupid headaches…Stupid cars with numbers painted on the side.
Yeah…The start of all of this tonight…Wasil didn’t make it online. First he was watching the cars turn left…But afterwards he had a headache…Self-doubt & doubt in general had already been spinning…It does that, when I know it shouldn’t…It’s just hard to keep it together.

I think…I might be feeling a bit better…Still want to fall apart a bit…but the yawn I just had tells me I’m feeling tired.