An emotional dump.

I feel like I’ve been swallowed in a depression. A darkness descended upon me, dragging me down/under…Wherever. *sigh*

The Critters only had a half a day of school today…Had to go to their father’s. It’s his week-end to have them too…So they are gone till Sunday, when I can rescue them. So for now…I am alone.

Mum is working…She’s be home later…Not that in the long run it matters…We’ll just sit her and do nothing, for the better part of the next few days.

If Appa was here, I could at least go looking for ‘lines’. That is our assignment this week in photography…Take pictures of ‘lines’. I need to get that done, and the film developed (turned into negatives, by my own hand) by Wednesday’s class. I don’t know if I’ll be able to manage it.

I’m not calling Todd today. It does me no good, and I tire of the sound of the answering machine and hanging up on it. I’ve left a couple messages, even though he says he never checks the machine…I’ve asked ‘whoever’ hears it to give him a message to call me…Even if it’s midnight or two AM. Still…No phone calls. It hurts. I’m tired of it hurting. I feel like I’m nothing in the long run, and if that’s the case…Why waste the title…Why pretend that I’m something more than I am.
The ‘logical’ thing would be to talk to him about it. (I can already hear those who would saying such.) Awfully hard to talk to him about it, if I can’t get to talk to him.
I love him…I do…But…*shrugs* *sighs* I don’t want to lose him…But, how can I loose something that, evidently, I don’t really have. Such pretty words, in his drunkenness…Suppose they don’t mean much though, if he doesn’t hold to them.

Have to go to the school Monday for another meeting…O.o
But…Also suppose to be signing the papers that give the okay for them to evaluate Harley. [Wouldn’t mind the meeting so much, but it’s not till 12:30! I’m suppose to be in class at 1! Guess I will be late to class, don’t have a choice. Harley is more important in the long run. Not like anything is due anyway…And it’s only Creative Writing…]

Harley did get his Shark Ship finally…He was quite happy. Even had to take a bath, so he could play with it in the tub.

I’ve been feeling out of it since waking…For a brief moment something in my one inbox brought a flicker of a smile to my lips…But that has long since faded as well. *shrugs*

I had had hopes of doing something today, for a while…But it quickly vanished last night. Reese had asked me between classes yesterday, since she was going to be going to the college today to work on her pottery, if I wanted to come along. I hadn’t given a real answer…At first my thought was no…Then I thought it would be a good chance to get out and get some pictures, weather/light permitting. Somewhere along the lines though, she came to realize Nightmare only had a half a day of school today too…And that it’s his mother’s week-end to have him (she lives over by Traverse). So she decided it would be the perfect opportunity to spend some time with him. Which, I can’t say I blame her for wanting to spend time with her boyfriend…But still, it’s like she’d forgotten completely her offer. *shrugs* Oh well…I need a break from her anyway.

She did bring the Critters presents though…Sonja now is the proud owner of a stuffed purple dragon that’s nearly as tall as she is. And Harley of a stuffed snake, that is probably longer than he is tall. They were to make them feel better after Mr. Black’s passing. [Seriously, I’m counting down the rest of the bloody cats. We’ve got another stray hanging out too. I feel bad for Sonja, that it bothered who so much when she realized it was happening…But I’m tired of the lot of the fuzzy things. I know, it sounds really, really bad…But I can’t help it, it’s true.]

What else. Homework? Might as well…As I’m here, and writing, and avoiding it apparently…Though I have done some of it today…

Photography:
Need to take pictures of ‘lines’ as I’ve previously mentioned. I need to find clip art…3 things I like. Already found the rest of the needed clip art for Monday. Need to read & fill out a paper on another chapter…Though I believe that is due Wednesday (along with the negatives from the ‘Anything’ roll of film & the ‘lines’ roll of film. Have the negatives from ‘Anything’, we developed those as a class Wednesday. Don’t have that luxury anymore though…We have to find time to get to the darkroom ourselves and do it ourselves).

Have a paper due Feb. 2. I have to write a paper on Jacob A Riis. He was a journalist who took pictures of the horrid conditions of the New York tenements, and was instrumental in getting them and the like shut down…Blah, blah, blah. [Did read though/skim/whatever one of the books I got from the college library and take notes…So I’m that much closer to getting it done.]

Creative Writing:
I believe there is some reading…I’ll look it up later, not like I don’t have anything but time. Our second assignment (which occasionally I feel optimistic towards) is due Feb. 2. I think it’s going to end up a ‘dramatic dialog’. We are suppose to take a picture or photo of someone (preferably) and write something about it. Kind of like you are the person in the picture, or talking about the person in the picture, or telling about/being told about the person in the picture.
I’ve got my picture already…And thoughts have gone through my mind…I just haven’t had pen and paper when thoughts were travelling (usually I was travelling/driving as well)…Or the desire to let the words out when I have access to somehow to do it.

3-D design: Hey, the only class I don’t have homework in. I handed in my pop-up rat yesterday. I think the majority of us got our work done and handed in yesterday, we were suppose to anyway…Though I know a couple people hadn’t as of the end of class.
Heck, while in class I was reading for Eastern Religions instead of working on my project, as I had finished it to the point I was going to take it anyway.

Eastern Religions:
I wanted to poke Reese’s eyes out yesterday in class. The first half of the alphabet had ‘Media Reviews’ to hand in. He was asking for volunteers to read them aloud in class. She kept giving me a pointed look that said she thought I should be volunteering to read mine. I hate doing such, and I don’t bloody well need someone staring at me trying to convince me to do it…If anything, that makes me want to do it less.

Aside from that…I have to have to have three more chapters in our first book for class read by Tuesday, where there will

be another 10 question T/F, multiple guess test on it. I’ve actually got one of the chapters read…Between reading in 3-D design & reading this morning. I’ve got like another 47 pages to go. It’s long, and mostly boring.

James said something, it must have been Tuesday, about a trip being planned…A cruise I think he said, I can’t remember where. A honeymoon trip. So apparently he & Harry are going to get married somewhere along the lines.

Wednesday was Reese’s ‘birthday party’. It consisted of Reese, Nightmare, Freshman, James, and me at the pub in the basement of the brewery in Traverse. I don’t even care to write about it at this point. James kept taking my hat. At one point I ended up upside down, him holding me as such, and tickling me. There was also me attempting to get my hat back from him, with him holding it behind his back, and me trying to reach around him, and having him pinned up against a wall. Yeah…If anyone didn’t know better…It would have looked…Well, way different from what it really was.

Lighting outside sucks. At least what I can see through the shades (which I’m refusing to open). It’s all grey and overcast…I don’t think it would take good pictures. *sigh* Maybe tomorrow…Maybe there will be more light. Mum works 4 ½ hours overtime…But maybe we can go somewhere so I can get pictures afterwards. I would kind of like to get the film done over the week-end. I can’t wait until Wednesday to finish it up like I did the last one…And again, somewhere along the lines I have to get to the darkroom and get it developed. Hopefully without screwing it up…As I will be on my own…Which in the long run, I really don’t want anyone else around, least not any other student. It would be different if I could take a friend, or Mum in there, to help me keep things timed…There is a lot of timing…Counting seconds, counting minutes.

I don’t really feel any better. Can’t say I don’t at all…I do, a little, very little. I don’t think it’s sustainable though…I think as soon as I’m done it’s going to slip away again.

I should note people…But I don’t think I’m going to. How bad of me is that? I’ve read…For the most part…Only skimmed on a couple…I just…*sigh* I don’t know.

Rats need cage cleaned…I don’t think I have enough litter. I put the last of the food I have for them, at least I’m fairly certain it was the last, in their bowl this morning…I need to get to Traverse just to get supplies. Can’t get rat food at Wal-Mart…Heck, can’t get it at Meijer’s anymore either (which means, even when the one in Gaylord does manage to open, I still will have to go to T.C. to get their food).

Oh yeah…Avery’s…The little restaurant that’s been in Mancelona FOREVER…I mean, I remember Mum going there with her friend Connie when I was little…Anyway…It’s closed. From what I’ve gathered, without any intentions of re-opening. The sign above the door (the kind you put the messages on with the little plastic letters, the one they actually just got within the last year I think), says ‘We’ll Miss You’. Or something along those lines…Or did…I think some of the letters have fallen off already. Though it’s not really already I suppose…It’s been like that for a bit now…I just kept forgetting to mention it.

And Club 131…Which was one Loggers…And actually I think was going by Silverback something-or-another…Well, it caught fire. So…I guess it’s no more either.

I want to do something…But there is nothing to do…Aside from homework. I’m tired of homework at the moment. I took notes…I read…I want to cry…That’s what I want to do.

I want my boyfriend to actually be a boyfriend…It’s a factor in why I’m feeling like this, I’m sure. But what can I do? Suppose I can give up, crawl off to my hole…And see if he ever remembers that he’s even suppose to have a girlfriend.

Right now though…*shrugs* *sighs* I just want to disappear.