A jumble of scattered thoughts

I’m feeling…quite meloncholy…Maybe it’s just due to all the excited energy I spent twords the Lexi Gras party…and now that it’s over, and things are as they always are…Nothing new…nothing accomplished…*sigh* I don’t know. And in two weeks is the Retired Fireman’s Banquet…And I can’t help wondering if I’m going to build up all kinds of hopes and thoughts, and what not…and then…once all is said and done…Be feeling his empty feeling once more.

Which brings me to the thought I had the other day…Must of been Friday…That things are always going to be as they have always been. *sigh* Thing is…in the long run…I don’t think that it’s going to make me any happier. I realize this…yet…I also realize that I’m set to make the same choices…or mistakes…or whatever the bloody hell they are. Why? Because it’s what’s there…it’s conveinant…well, maybe not conveinant…but there.

Two years ago, when I ended up with Mike…It was under the thought that I still loved him, that I harboured some long buried feelings for him. The words he wrote and the things he said, led me down such a path. He still claimed to care, to have feelings, to love. I really can’t say whether he does or not…In all truth and actuality, I never could. Deceit runs through his veins, just as smooth and evenly as blood. Yet…there is some strange comfort in those lies, even if I know that’s what they are.

I just want, for a while, to be able to forget. To feel like something…like someone. It’s not as if my heart is a reasonable creature anyway. It has actually gone and given itself away…to an impossibility. I’ve always considered it a protective device it created…though this time…It actually aches. It must sound so incrediably foolish…and I’m not entirely sure that it isn’t…I mean, it must be.

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Okay, the first half of this was wrote at nearly 3 in the morning. So…I’m feeling better at the moment…but all and all…the same thoughts and what not are there. Which I’m not sure if they were all that clear to begin with. Exspecially those middle two paragraphs. Confusing long story short (I suppose). I know now that I don’t feel about Mike how I thought I did when we became reaquainted. I’ve seen how he treated his wife, and his kids…and although I’ve seen worse…I’ve seen much better as well. I know I couldn’t live like that, and I wouldn’t allow my children to be treated like that. Not that I was expecting anything long term to come out of it. It’s merely a distraction…But…I don’t know…Can I be happy with such a distraction?

It’s not like I can offer anyone else anything at this moment. And he would be content with such knowledge and wouldn’t push or attempt for more…I guess my thoughts aren’t anymore gathered at this point than they were at three in the morning. Or perhaps, they just can’t be gathered on this subject. That wouldn’t be surprising in the least.

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*looks up at at other stuff written* It’s been a day…I had the return of the meloncholy, and the disappearance once more of the meloncholy.

I don’t know…perhaps my brain is just overloaded, though I’m not sure what it would be overloaded with. *takes out brain* *shakes it* *puts it back in* Not that that is going to help it much…though I don’t think I can do it much more harm…I’m sure it’s pretty much damaged beyond whatever.

Anyway…somewhere in my sleeping moments…though I’m not sure which sleeping moments it was…I can’t even remeber if I was in the bedroom, or on the couch…Though it was probably the couch, as anything in the bedroom would probably be nightmares spawned by those bloody ugly sheets that the pet put on the bed last night. *shudders* Scary things…really…it’s a pattern that ends up being a lot of red-ish little squares…and I swear, looking at it, it’s going to give me a headache. (One more reason to avoid the bedroom. *laughs*)

Where was I? Oh yes…dream thing…Though it really has no point…I was in a party like situation (gee, wonder where that came from). But I don’t believe my Mum was present this time around…though I’m sure someone must of been there whom I knew to get me there to begin with. Otherwise I’d be hiding somewhere. Anyway…There was some guy that I ended up walking around with…It was nice. I’m not sure where it was headed to, or if it was, as I got woke up somehow…not sure if it was by alarm, or child, or just some twist of fate that didn’t want me to finish my dream. *pouts*

Anyway…On to real life…or what I have that passes for one…

It was the first day of Mum being back to work at Honeywell…Harley missed having her here in the morning. But he was actually really good…aside from getting into the peanutbutter, eating it from the jar with a spoon…but at least he wasn’t smearing it all over the place, or using his fingers. I tried several times to talk him into a nap, as I was too tired to think properly…guess I’m going to have to cut back on the 3 am mornings. Harley did finaly take a nap, but it wasn’t until I was buried under cookbooks, attempting to figure out what I was going to make for diners for the rest of the week, so I could do some shopping (which failed miserably by the way…I still have no idea what I’m doing…Ended up going into town and picking up frozen pizza for everyone else, and some t.v. dinner things for me, as I didn’t feel like pizza *thinks…and no one really cares*). I should of just curled up with Harley and took a nap with him.

Mike called…I was on the phone with Grimmie, so I didn’t talk to him. He said something about calling back tomarrow (which as it’s now after midnight here, would be today). Though, as long as it’s not raining, I’m suppose to be walking with Libby tomarrow…Though I’m not sure if we should stick to the same walking path…I don’t know…The one we’ve been walking takes us past Ryan’s & the pyscho ex-brother’s place. *shrugs* I don’t know…I guess I’ll just see where my feet go.

Okay…as I’m not sure if any of this makes any sense anymore…or if it ever did…Though I will say, the status of my mood currently is pretty good I think…