A bit of confusion…A bit of clarification…

Bloody hell…I’m doing my best to stay calm, focused, and collected…I must admit I’m finding it a tiny bit difficult, and that scares me…which I know doesn’t bloody well help. I was hoping last night was my bottom point…that it was the climax of all that was getting to me, and that after that bit of nightmare I went through, everything would be okay again…Sitting here, I can sense that it’s not. I’m afraid it’s going to happen again…I think I’m getting an idea of how it works now…It happens once, and makes such a psychological impact on you, that you just wonder, wait, and worry about when it’s going to happen again…not if…when. I don’t want it to…One top of just worrying that it will happen again…I wondering about when…and if when it does, I won’t have anyone who knows what’s going on there to help me…What if it’s during the day, when it’s just me and Harley….

*Takes deep breath* *Lets it out* *Takes another deep breath* *Lets it out agin*

I’m going to cause one thinking like this, aren’t I? I can see how the vicous cycle goes now though…*nods* Yep, yep, yep. *continues to try and remeber to breath*

Okay…Now that everybody, aside from Raya is confused…I’ll let you be confused a bit longer, as I have to do something else first.

*HUGS RAYA TIGHTLY* I don’t think in my state last night…or my after state…that I thanked you…I really have no idea what I would of done had that happened, and you hadn’t been there. Thank you…Thank you for being the most wonderful friend anyone could ask for. Thank you for being my most wonderful sister. Thank you for just being a decent human being. You are one of the most caring and most compassionate people I have ever met. And I hate the distance between us, as I really need to give you a proper hug.

I’m sorry that my misguided thoughts, led to hurtful words. Despite them being there, and the sound of them…Deep inside I did/do know better. I think I’m just a bit stressed out at the moment. *wry smile* *weak laugh* An understatement I would guess, huh?

My Goals (WTF? When did I get goals? *weak laugh*)

1) Keep in mind that the HPers are NOT like the DragonLancers…When things are said, and done, and that chapter is closed…I’m still going to have my wonderful friends, and my wonderful sister.

2) Remember that, just because my first adopted sister did a disappearing act, doesn’t mean my second (and best), is going to do the same thing.

3) That the choices I have to make are mine to make. And if I make the wrong choice…well then I just have to figure that out, and it’s as easy as changing my mind to fix it…Right? It has to be that easy…

4) Um…come up with some more stuff to do in an attepmt to keep my mind sane. (Me with a sane mind…*falls over laughing*)

*looks at diary title* Perhaps I really am Stark Raving Sane…*headdesk* *insane giggle*

*Looks Around* Okay…Who wants things cleared up a bit? As I have a feeling that there are a couple confused people staring at their computer screens asking themselves "What the Fuck is she going on about?"

*Deep breath* Why is this so bloody hard to just come out and say? Oh yeah…because I was pretty sure I was losing my bloody mind last night. *Another deep breath in and out*

I had a panic attack last night. For those of you who have never experienced one…I don’t recomend it. (Gods…at least that which I try to pass off as humour wasn’t damaged by the experience.) But yeah…it was scary…I was quite scared…and pretty much felt like I was losing my mind. I was numb, everywhere…or just about…At one point, I wasn’t having an easy time of breathing. I couldn’t focus, couldn’t think, even my face was feeling numb, and my eyes, at least the one, was twitching something fierce…Not easy to read that way, I tell you. All this, and I was still trying to think and focus…which only made it all feel worse as I couldn’t get myself to do those things, and all I really wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry my bloody eyes out.

Luckily Raya was online with me, and after I finaly managed to get out how I was feeling, she new what was going on. And my darling sister, wonderful young woman that she is, called and talked to me until I was back to normal…Well as normal as I ever get. *slight laugh*

Anyway…

Found my little notebook, with my four lines. *smiles like an idiot* <—It’s a forced idiotic smile really…trying to lighten the mood. *laughs*

Here…I’ll let you see the four lines…as I don’t know if I can get my head set to finish it off just yet…

The ache I feel inside my breast
Threatens to tear apart my soul
Caused by this unbridled love
Of a man I’ll never know

In case you haven’t realized…that’s about the man my heart has chosen to try and tell me I love…Feels like love…Painful as that is, as I know it’ll never be…I’ll never even see him in the flesh…Even have the chance to say ‘Hi’ let alone try and convince him that he needs to love me. (Gods…how stalkerish would THAT come off sounding. *laughs*)

Today is suppose to be a walkie day…but it’s been raining for the last two days (not thus far today though), and it’s cold…but I’ve walked a couple time in the cold already…And it might be good for me to get out in the fresh air. *nods* Yes, probably so.

 I was going to say something pretaining to roleplay…though I suppose I won’t be able to call it that much longer…and also of the party tomarrow…but as it’s almost 2, and I have to pack a bag each for Harley and Sonja to stay the week-end at their other grandma’s, plus get myself up and ready to go do the things I have to do today…And be leaving here at no later than 3…I"ve got to get my arse off here, and get moving on stuff in that pestering real world.