the world spins and im jus along for the ride

i am so confused lately…

its like why am i not like i was 2 yrs ago.

i seem agitated around him

i dont like to be all touchy feely anymore.

i dont get it. it makes me so upset.

then im like am i falling out of love.

then when i even think that my heart does the crush inward thing where it hurts to even think about that.

so i think i cant be.

but then why do i feel so unhappy??

is it jus bc other things in my life are not going good?

so i am letting it affect the one and only thing that is going good.

am i jus scared that this relationship is going to turn out like my other one.

where you date for almost 3 yrs and then break up. and then its jus like what the hell was the point of those 3 yrs then?

if i could go back and change those 3 yrs i would.

and is it now im scared bc it is getting close to the same mark with doug?

and we break up and im like what was the point in those 2 yrs. bc i would. bc what would be the point. but i have loved those 2 yrs. they have been amazing.

and im jus so afraid and scared and confused like no other.

i was so sure about everything and then BAM it was gone and i knew nothing.

and now im stuck at this $9 an hour job barely getting 20hrs a week when i have a bachelors degree bc no one is willing to try me out in an actual good paying job.

i have got rejected twice this week. once for an international sales/customer service job, which sure whatever and another with an HR assistant. i would have been so good at that one. i could totally of done it and it would have been something i would have been good at and liked.

everything is so freakin confusing and upsetting and i jus dont kno wut to do about anything.

SIGH.

anyway. work at 5:45am tomorrow, then picking doug up at the ferry, then hopefully a bonfire at hannahs. if no bonfire then drive in to see The Hulk and Hellboy II