R.I.P Kendra

When I started all of this on January 29th,  June 16th seemed so far away. And now I’ve completed  20 weeks of chemo. The longest 20 weeks of my life. I get to have 3 weeks off before starting my daily radiation treatments.

Right after I wrote my last entry one of my dearest and closest Medical Asst. committed suicide. She was such an awesome person and it was very difficult. In fact, the day after I wrote my last entry I went to the cancer center with my camera in hand specifically asking for her. I said I wanted to get my picture taken with her for my cancer journal. They told me she wasn’t in that day and that was the day that she didn’t show up for work. She had taken her own life.

Kendra and I started being friends when she was taking my vitals back in February. She had me step up on the scale and then (sort of) quietly announced my weight out loud in the hallway. I told her I thought that it was a HIPPA violation. She started laughing and then took my blood pressure. It was elevated. I quickly replied "of course my blood pressure is high…you just announced my weight to the whole world". When she put me in the exam room I told her "it’s a good thing that I don’t have any hair or you would’ve just made it gray"  From then on I would make a point to give her a hard time. She and I would laugh and carry on at every visit.

Kendra knew that she was going to take her own life. When I look back to our last two encounters I know now that she was saying goodbye to me. I attended the "Relay for LIfe" and Kendra was there. She "hung out" with me and introduced me to her friend from high school that is also a breast cancer survivor. She walked a few laps with me and there was this ceremony for people who have died of cancer. Then there was a "survivor lap" and when I was walking the lap I saw Kendra and she was literally sobbing. Like WAY over the top for a cancer nurse. Tears were just streaming down her face.

The next time I went to the cancer center (the tuesday after the relay) Kendra gave me a gift (which was a really cool pin) and two hugs. (not one, but two…when we saw each other and when she left me) She came into the waiting room and sat down beside me and chatted for a minute. She knew that she wasn’t going to see me again. I only wish that I knew.

Kendra was friendly, funny and she loved her job. She always wore a rainbow pin on her scrubs and yes, she was gay. You see, the suicide rate for gay people is very high. She was uncomfortable in her own skin and was always fighting against it. She lived alone with two cats and she hadn’t been dating anyone. She didn’t tell me about her lifestyle and she didn’t need to. She knew that I knew and it was okay with me. I loved her for who she is. Just as she was. Now I will never see her again.

I went to her memorial service and shared my story with her mom, dad and sister. They had a picture taken with me for my cancer journal. I have made friends with her friends. kendra is still touching my life after her death.

There is so much that I wanted to write about. I am going to save it for another entry. This entry is for you, Kendra. I loved you…God speed.