Only 10 more days left???

I just realized that today is June 6 and in 10 days I will be getting my final chemo treatment. John and I were laying down for a nap when I started thinking about the days and I literally started cyring and sobbing. On January 29th I had my first chemo treatment and June 16th seemed so very far away. Now we are down to ten days and two treatments left.

This last week was horrible. I took chemo on Tuesday and it was one of the worst days ever. First of all I found out that I didn’t get into the Clinical study. Which means that I was getting a placebo. This also almost certainly means that my life expectancy will go down without the clinical drug. I was so disappointed. Then my port didn’t work and it took 5 hours for my infusion. I missed Tara’s assembly and she got an award. Every time the cancer makes me miss an event it makes me feel like it is winning. I know I shouldn’t feel like that but I can’t help it.

Wednesday wasn’t too bad. I was a little under the weather but my niece came to spend some time with me. We went to get my oil changed and a few items at the grocery store. Then she dropped me off at my aunt and uncle’s house because my parents were there for a visit. I love visiting my aunt and uncle. They live in a big old farm house out in the country. Then I came home and slept. When John got home from work he wasn’t feeling well and he wanted me to run the kids. Dale had driver’s ed at 6pm and Tara had piano at 6:30. Then Dale needed picked up at 8pm. What a long night. I was exhausted when I got home and told John that from now on he has to run the kids on Wednesdays. The day after chemo is usually the hardest for me.

On Thursday I met John’s parents and his aunt and uncle (from Kentucky) for breakfast. Oh, and John’s grandma was there. She had her 86th birthday…bless her heart!! After an enjoyable breakfast I went out to my parents for a visit and coffee. We had awesome one on one time. I am feeling so close to them since they’ve been back. They’ve been really awesome. I know now that they realize how hard it was for them to be gone while I have been so sick. We had a wonderful family meal out in the patio room and I went to bed early.

Friday was a day from hell. I woke up sick, nauseous (sp?) my legs hurt…everything. I felt horrible. I was supposed to go on a field trip with Tara’s class and once again I had to cancel plans. I felt like the cancer wins again!! I stayed home and in bed all day. I took a shower, got dressed and went back on the couch. I felt horrible. Finally I relented and took a compazine that is anti-naseau drug but makes me very sleepy. I slept all afternoon and evening. My mom and dad brought dinner in a crock pot for the family. My mom took the laundry off of the clothes line for me.

This morning I woke up feeling better. I am still really tired but am trying to take it easy. I took Dale to driver’s ed and the kids and I went to the grocery store and shopped for Dale new running shoes. I bought Tara some tomatoe plants for her garden and we went out for lunch. It was a nice afternoon but I am exhausted.

I hope we can have a campfire tonight. I really, really want a campfire. I love sitting around watching the glowing embers. Maybe we’ll sleep in the camper.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 41. My life is so different now. I sometimes don’t even know who I am. I seriously still surprise myself when I look in the mirror and see an older, stressed, bald, tired woman with bags under her eyes looking back at me. I want my life back. I want my hair back. I want my health back.

Every day I am one day closer to getting through this journey.