thinking

For some reason earlier i just started to think about all of the crap that has gone on in my life. everything that has gone on with my mom and i and how things have turned out. i’m not overly impressed with the way everything has turned out. sometimes i wish things could have been handled differently. i have tried so hard to maintain some sort of a relationship with all of my sisters and it hasn’t been easy. i set up a sister lunch at hampton diner this sunday with my sisters and i hope they all show up.when i think about having kids of my own i get a bit scared because i am afraid of doing to them what my mom did to me. i know that it doesn’t have to be like that but it still scares me.

i am trying to look ahead to the future and make plans but my past is still lingering there like a ghost. it never leaves it just follows me everywhere i go. lately i haven’t slept very well at all because i seem to keep reliving the fights we had over and over again till i bolt up right in bed sweating and shaking. i cant still hear the crashes as things that mom was throwing at me hit the wall me behind me and fell to the floor. her yelling at me to get out of the house and to never return. these dreams i have just come and go as they please. i can go for weeks at a time not having them and then boom. its like they picked up where they left off.

sometimes i think my mom is the reason that i haven’t gotten very close to matt. i am afraid to open up to him and trust him. i used to have a very open relationship with my mom till all of this happened. i think part of me is afraid that matt could do the same thing to me and kick me out if he had enough. and that worries. i find myself having more and more trouble trying to talk to him because of my mom and these damn dreams i keep having. i haven’t talked to my mom since at least september. i have no idea what triggered these bouts of dreams. my sisters and matt don’t talk to me about mom at all because its just easier not to mention her. i know my sisters are getting tired of dealing with her…. and matt would just like to kill her some days. he hates my mom something wicked.

i just want to be able to put it all behind me and move on. i want to not have to worry about how my own kids would turn out. i don’t want to have to have these damn nightmares and cold sweats.i want it to stop.