Swing

Swinging
back and forth, slowly, and gently. He was calm. The swish of his
movement sent a soft breeze towards the door. I felt it when I came in.
It caught my attention. He caught my attention. He always did. And,
strange, I had thought, that even then, he had managed to.

          
     I hadn’t talked to Mike in a couple of days. We
hadn’t left on the best terms. We were best friends. We had been best
friends. I don’t think we were then.

I
kissed Julie; well, to be fair, she kissed me. I just kissed back. It
wasn’t intentional. I had no idea it was going to happen. And even
after it did, I really didn’t believe it was happening. It was like a dream, like some surreal state. And he walked in.

They
had broken up that morning. She fell out of love. That’s what she said,
anyway. I didn’t really buy it. I think she had done just the opposite.
Only, it just wasn’t with the guy we all thought it had been.

He
didn’t take it so well. They had been dating for a year and a half.
That was a long time for Mike. His longest relationship to date. He
even said the word. The word he so vehemently used to scorn in high
school. But, I guess, college is different from high school. More mature. So, I suppose, that must make it okay. Right?

And
Mike was upset. Understandably so. He called me. Immediately, he called
me. He asked if he could come over. I said yes, of course. We were best
friends. And I felt horrible. I knew what she had meant to him. I knew.
He came over and he told me one thing. He said one thing and then he
didn’t say anything more. Three words:

“She was it.”

She
called me about an hour after Mike left. She wanted to talk. I had been
a friend to Julie since she started dating Mike. We were close. I
listened to her. When she had a fight with Mike, I was there. Not on
purpose. Not because she had a fight with Mike. But because she had a fight. I was just there. I was trying to be a good friend.

I
had expected the call really. And had wondered. Had really thought
about what I should say to her. What was allowed. Wishing there was a
book of rules to cite. My best friend’s girl. Well, ex-girl, to be
fair. Fair. Maybe that’s not the best word to use here.

She
came over. She was crying. I half expected that. I knew she had done
the dumping, but still. Ending a year and a half relationship would
still be taxing.

I
hugged her. Right as she walked in. And that’s when I knew. Well,
that’s when it crossed my mind at least. The reason why she was there.
The real reason. I knew it wasn’t to talk about Mike. It was something
else. Someone else.

She
asked, first, if I had talked to Mike. I said yes. She asked what he
told me. I said not much. She asked specifics. So I told her what he
said. The three words.

She
paused and thought about her next move. It was becoming clear. She was
awkward, and antsy. She wasn’t mourning a lost love. She was anxious,
anticipating something. Worried about something new. Worried, no doubt,
about what she was about to do.

            And she asked me a question. In her most serious, mysterious voice. She asked, “Can I tell you something?”

            I said, “Yes.”

            She
came right up close. And she kissed me. Right then. She didn’t
hesitate. She didn’t move in slow. She just did it. And I kissed back.
And I kept kissing.

            And I liked it.

           
Mike walked in. Catching our attention. Catching us both off guard.
Catching us. And he froze. He was trembling. He looked different. He
looked at us both. He didn’t say anything. I saw a tear. And he left.

           
And Julie pulled back and put her hand to her face, wiping away her own
tears. She looked at me, sorry. And then she ran out. And I was alone.
Suddenly very alone. Left to think. Think, I guess, about what I did.

I didn’t have an answer.

Not that night.

Not the next day.

Not the day after that.

That’s when I realized that I was alone. And that’s when I realized who I should really be talking to. My answer.

I went to Mike’s.

The
room was dark, and a soft breeze came from the corner. There was no
window in the corner. And there was Mike. Swinging. Back and forth.
Softly. Gently. Calm. There was Mike. Hanging there. Dead.

Never
did find out. My answer. But maybe it stopped being about me. Maybe
not. But me’s all I have to deal with now. Day in and day out. The
thought. The question. And, what’s worse, far worse. The answer. The
one thing I know. The three words. My three words:
I did

it.

A guy